Moving forward (again!)

Wow - it's hard to believe it's been almost three months since I last posted.

Since DH left for his deployment in August, I've been pretty occupied looking after our baby girl who is almost two. She is gorgeous and extremely exhausting. It's getting easier now that she's a little older. She can sit for longer periods, and I'm starting her in a preschool two afternoons a week next year. I think she'll enjoy it.

As for me, I'm feeling much better physically. I had some Vit D and low iron deficiencies, but I think I'm ontop of that now. I no longer feel the same sense of exhaustion I did previously.

Mentally I'm doing well...now. The last four months or so have been difficult. We had one frozen embryo left and I decided to give it a go in October. Sadly it failed to thaw, so we have no embryos left to try. I'm a bit sad about this as I was hoping that one of our frozen embies would have worked - but no.

This last year I have felt that my life has been on hold. It's been the metaphoric "winter" of my life. I've just had to wait and wait and wait. Wait for DH to go on deployment and for the deployment to pass. Wait for IVF cycles, and wait some more when they didn't work out. Wait and wait and watch everyone else move forward - have babies, move houses, kick ass in their careers, go traveling etc. I have to admit that I've struggled with this period of inactivity and waiting.

Looking back, this waiting time hasn't been unproductive. I think it's been necessary. DH and I have grown closer together. Our time apart has made us value our little family so much more. We are aware of how special it is to be together, and it's motivated us to be the best parents we can be. We're not perfect, but we're trying.

I've decided to make the move to do a stimulated cycle in January using DH's frozen sperm. He has 24 straws frozen at the clinic so I can proceed with IVF while he is away - so we figured we could at least put them to use! I spoke to the RE yesterday and she's on board with the plan. She'll be repeating the same IVF protocol that I was on in 2009 that resulted in the birth of our daughter. Hopefully we'll have a similar good outcome.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about 2012. DH gets back from his deployment in February, we have saved enough money to do several IVF cycles (if necessary) and my work isn't too crazy right now. For the first time in a long time I have hope again. I really hope 2012 is our year, and we can add to our little family.

Taking time out

Since my husband left on his deployment a few months ago, I've been coping by keeping busy. In some respects this has really helped me deal with his departure as I've had very little time to think about it. And the time has flown by.

The only problem is that I started to become exhausted. Being a single Mom is a very difficult thing, and I was trying to do it all. Looking after my daughter, doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and also working in my job. The busier I got, the harder it has been to wind down and relaxed. I haven't been sleeping well.

I'm not surpised that I have been feeling so exhausted.

So when I went to see the RE last week I was not feeling great. I'd lost more weight and looked pretty skinny. My iron and Vit D levels are low. My energy is low. I have black circles under my eyes etc.

So the RE and I discussed my plans for the upcoming frozen embryo transfer scheduled for November. Then she asked about my overall wellbeing and self-care at the moment. She told me I had lost a bit of weight and asked if I had an eating disorder (thankfully I don't). She asked if I'm eating well (I'm not). She asked about my energy levels. And in the end she pretty much told me she doesn't think I could cope with a pregnancy right now and she wants to wait until progressing with the next IVF cycle.

I felt so Relieved to have this decision made. I really don't want to deal with IVF right now, and I don't think I have enough energy to cope with a pregnancy.

Part of me feels very sad that I've decided to put IVF on hold for a few months. It feels like I waited a LONG time (4 years) to have my daughter, and now I have to wait again to hopefully conceive number 2. But I also know I have to look after myself and my family first before focussing on further IVF.

So now I'm learning to relax and slow down. I'm resting more. Reading more. Staying at home more. Sleeping more. Cooking more. Eating more. And I feel good.

IVF is on hold for now. Not forever, but until I feel ready to give it another go.

Trying to get well

Wow - Since my husband left on his deployment 7 weeks ago, things have been crazy. Life is super busy with an active toddler and only me to care for her.

I am a believer that all things work out for a reason. Part of me is quite relieved that I'm not pregnant right now. I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed at times that I don't think I have the capacity to "give" anything more to anyone (or sustain a pregnancy for that matter).

I went to see the regular Doctor recently and had some blood tests done. The results indicated that I am very Iron deficient and somewhat Vit D deficient (as I always stay out of the sun). I am relieved that there is a physical reason for my exhaustion, and I'm on suppliments and dietary changes to try to rectify this.

I haven't seen my RE in a while. I'm going to see her this week to let her know about the recent blood tests. I also need to figure out when to do the next FET. I am thinking that November would be perfect timing for me, but I need to get more energy first.

I am going to start doing my grocery shopping online, and maybe will get a cleaner in too. Any other ideas for how to reduce the housework?

I'll post again after the appointment with the RE.......

Where I'm At

Things have been much better since the failed FET a few weeks ago.

My husband left on deployment a week ago. I was quite stressed out leading up to his departure, and the day he left was pretty awful too. Now I still miss him terribly, but I'm getting better at sorting out a little routine for my daugther and I and doing lots of fun things together.

Although I would have loved for the FET to work, I realise that it's easier and less stressful for me not to be pregnant and alone right now. My daughter is a very busy lady, and it's taking up all of my energy to look after her. My work has also been busy and I've been enjoying it.

I think I'll try another FET later in the year - maybe Novemeber or December.

Until then I've got some fun things planned. My parents are taking my daughter and I on vacation for two weeks. I've some little interstate trips planned to see some old friends. I'm taking my daughter to swimming and gym classes. And I've got lots of support from family and friends.

So overall I'm happy, and I'm so thankful for my beautiful life. Yes, I'd love to be pregnant again one day. But right now I'm enjoying loving my little girl and spending quality time together.

Beta Day

From days 7 through 10 post transfer, I knew I was pregnant. It is unmistakable to me. I had very clear pregnancy symptoms and a faint positive home pregnancy test.

The night before the beta test I went to bed and when I woke up the pregnancy symptoms had gone. I tried another home pregnancy test and the result was even weaker. I suspected that the embryo had implanted for about 3 days, but then failed to survive beyond that.

On the day of the beta we had hope that I was still pregnant. After all, vanishing pregnancy symptoms and a faint positive pregnancy test are hardly accurate predictors of IVF outcomes. But in our hearts we knew.

The beta came back - 7.

Too low for a viable pregnancy.

I have to go back in for a further blood test to make sure it's not eptopic.

DH and I felt such a sense of sadness over this little embryo. It was to be due on my birthday next year, and we had already discussed names. I feel sad that this little life, that would have been deeply loved, is never going to be.

DH leaves on his deployment in a fortnight. We have so much going on right now. Our stress levels are high. My workload at work is high. We're both feeling depressed and stressed. We know that right now isn't a good time for another IVF cycle.

So I'm going to wait a couple of months and then try again. I'm still hopeful that we will have another baby, but right now just isn't the time for us.

Possible pregnacy symptoms? 8dp5dt

This two week wait has been tough. Tougher than I imagined. There just seems to be so much at stake at the moment. DH is leaving on his deployment in just over two weeks.

Anyway, over the last few days I've been getting some symptoms. At first these symptoms were not good ones - it felt like I was going to get my period.

But those symptoms have been replaced over the last few days with "good" possible pregnancy symptoms.

My skin has deteriorated a bit and I got a big zit! I normally never get zits anymore, but when I was pregnant with my daughter my skin was terrible for the first few months. I think it has something to do with hormone increases.

Secondly, I've been feeling a bit tender in my chest. I haven't felt that since I was pregnant either.

And lastly, I normally get quite a bit of spotting before my period. But I haven't had any spotting at all and my period would be due in the next day or two.

So these symptoms are making me happy. Cause maybe, just maybe there is going to be another member of our family due in March 2012.

PS I may do a home test tomorrow. I'm still scared to do one because if it is positive I'll be worried it's not a true positive (ie a chemical). And if it's negative I'll just feel devastated. So I'm thinking I may just wait for the beta on Saturday and find out for sure.

The waiting game - 4dp5dt

How can it be only 4 days since the transfer? How!?

I had forgotten how slowly time passes on the two week wait. It seems like an eternity until the beta next Saturday. I''m still not sure if I want to do a home test or not. I'll wait until next week and see how I feel.

We're keeping busy and trying not to think too much about IVF right now. But I have to admit that I find myself daydreaming about due dates, maternity leave and baby names.

My two best friends are recently pregnant. It seems like too much good luck for the three of us to be pregnant at the same time. Could it really happen? Could I really be pregnant? It seems too surreal to even consider at this stage.

DH leaves for his deployment in 3 weeks. It seems like a lot is happening in our lives at the moment. Ahhh!!!

Transfer complete

The lead up to Transfer Day has been busy and pretty stress-free. I decided that I would try to get the house as tidy and organised as possible before the transfer so that I could relax during the 2 week wait. This meant that I was so busy that I haven't had much of a chance to even think about IVF (which is good in my opinion).

My husband took the day off work today for the transfer. It was so good to have him there as last time he was in DC for work and missed out.

The staff were friendly and efficient. We spoke to the embryologist, and she gave us a good report on our frozen embryo. It thawed beautifully, and was already starting to hatch out of its shell. It appears to be pretty good quality and it was a relief to hear that everything was running to plan.

The transfer itself was also smooth and easy. It was all over very quickly and then we were sent home. My Doctor doesn't believe in bedrest (unless you choose to do it so make yourself feel more relaxed). It felt weird jumping up off the bed just minutes after the transfer, but my Doctor assured me that I can go about life as usual.

Despite this, I decided to take advantage of my husband's day off work by kindly asking him to care for our very busy toddler. Boy, is she a busy girl. So I lay on the couch for most of the afternoon while he ran around after her, then cooked dinner for me. Bliss.

So all in all it was a good day. Now we have the two week wait ahead. Ugh....

Transfer on Tuesday

The cycle of IVF has been going really well so far. Having a frozen embryo cycle is much easier than the precious fresh cycle. All I have done this week is blood tests every morning and an ultrasound to confirm I am ovulating.

I got a phone call from the RE's office to confirm that the transfer is on Tuesday.

I'm really nervous, excited, scared and hopeful.

Life has been so busy that I haven't had much of a chance to dwell on the IVF stuff. I feel pretty calm about it right now.

So - bring on the transfer on Tuesday!

Bloods start tomorrow

Tomorrow is Day 11, and I start bloods. I'll probably have blood tests for a couple of days and the frozen transfer will be in about a week.

I'm feeling pretty good about everything at the moment. I'm just trying to enjoy every day with my husband while he's here. In fact, I've been feeling so relaxed about IVF that I almost forgot that my bloods start tomorrow!

We've just had a LOT going on this month. Preparing for my husband's deployment has been keeping me very busy. Our little 16 month old daughter is also a very active little lady. I've been a bit worried about how I will cope with her 24/7 for six months while my husband is away. I'm going to look into getting her into some sort of care one day a week so I can have some time to myself when my husband leaves.

I'll keep posting - mainly so I can keep track of everything going on this month!

IVF is a-go!

We've made the big decision that we're starting IVF this month! I'm really excited to be back on the bandwagon again, but also a little nervous.

This time around I don't feel the need to tell everyone about doing IVF. I will post our progress here, and will also tell close family and some selected friends.

I guess I just want to live life as usual and have the frozen embryo transfer in about 2 weeks time. Yikes!!!!!!!

DH, his boys, and the deployment

DH had to drop his boys off at the clinic today. He's leaving them behind for me so that I have access to them if I need them for IVF while he's on deployment.

DH's deployment is creeping up. Some of my friends have been asking me how I feel about it. I guess they feel a bit sorry for me and they want to know how I'm coping.

So far I'm coping OK. It's hard to believe that he's going for 6 months. Part of me just wants him to hurry up and leave already. I know this sounds harsh, but we've been waiting for this deployment for 14 months. I just want it to be over.

I'm trying not to think about things too much, and trying not to feel too much. I feel a bit overwhelmed and numb about everything.

How do I feel about DH leaving me? Numb.....

How do I feel about the frozen embryo transfer in July? Numb...........

How do I feel about possibly being pregnant in a few months? Numb..............

What will I do if the frozen transfer doesn't work out? Will I go through IVF on my own? I don't know................................

I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and not thinking too far ahead.

I'm kind of excited about IVF in July, but kind of scared about it not working out.

But overall I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm thankful that I have an awesome RE. I've been through IVF before so I know what to expect. And I've got my baby girl to keep me busy. And when you look at things, life is darn good.

On with Plan B..........

After a few "false starts" AF finally arrived today. That makes this cycle 27 days, and last cycle 45 days. What a variable cycle I have!

The timing of this cycle is not good. If we wanted to go ahead with the FET, DH is scheduled to be away for work for the entire 10 days and I am scheduled to go away on a little family vacation with my parents. It would create a lot of stress for me to have to reschedule the vacation, and I also wouldn't have my DH around to help out around the house after the FET.

Furthermore, if the FET did work and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant the baby would be due just 3 weeks after DH's scheduled return from deployment. As we know babies don't generally arrive on their due date and I would be pretty stressed about whether or not he would be home.

As a result, DH and I decided to delay the FET for one more month. This would make it a June cycle with a transfer in early July. The timing of this is much better as DH will be around for the FET. We don't have any other plans for the month and we can really focus on it together. And if I were lucky enough to fall pregnant, the timing would be much better. The baby would be due in late March which would give DH and I almost 2 months to adjust to his return from deployment.

The bad side is that I now have just one month to do and FET with DH here before he leaves on deployment. If it doesn't work then I am going to have to decide whether to do another FET just as he is leaving, or wait until he has gone. I think we are just going to have to cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Overall I"m feeling a bit disappointed that this cycle just didn't work out for us. I know it's just a month to wait until we cycle. I guess that IVF has been on my radar screen for so long now that I'm anxious to get started.

But the other part of me is relieved. I've been feeling really unsure about cycling this month and now the decision has been taken out of my hands. I think that life with be calmer next month, and I'll feel more prepared for the FET. So overall, I think it's probably working out for the best.

What is the Go?

My cycle is officially crazy.

Last month I had a 45 day cycle.

This month my cycle is 21 days long. It's crazy and frustrating.

Because my cycle is super short this month, we just can't go ahead with the FET. If I did and it was successful, DH would barely be home from his deployment by the due date (and I really don't want to be stressed about whether or not he would make it to the baby's birth).

So it seems as though fate is making me wait another month for the FET.

I feel a bit relieved to be honest. Life is pretty full right now, and I haven't thought about IVF lately. I guess waiting one more month isn't that big a deal. I just feel a bit upset that it's not going to plan like i'd hoped.

Pushing ahead

Despite some doubt and uncertainty about IVF, DH and I are still pushing ahead this month.

Because of DH's deployment in August, we're bound by time frames.

If I have a short cycle this month, I won't be able to do IVF until next month (or risk having a baby before DH returns!) But if my cycle is a normal-long or very long cycle then I'll be OK to start in May.

I've decided to try to reduce my lifting around the house for after the transfer. I'm booking the cleaners to come back again and I'm going to start Internet grocery shopping. I'm still a bit worried about lifting my little girl during the 2ww. Any thoughts?

Am I an IVF chicken?

I'm sitting here enjoying a big glass of wine. Today I went to work and I didn't think about babies or IVF once. It was so nice.

Yet, I'm scheduled to start IVF this month!

I just feel so overwhelmed by DH's upcoming deployment that the thought of going through IVF is almost too much to deal with.

Am I ready for IVF? I don't know.......

I really want to stick to our plan of starting IVF this month. But if it is postponed for some reason I think I'll feel happy about it. I've just turned 32 years old, and I have 2 remaining good quality embryos. I have a beautiful 14 month old daughter. I know there is no real need to rush in, but I just want to get IVF done and get on with my life.

But I just don't know if I can deal with it right now.

My friend thinks that I need to be 100% ready for IVF before I do it. She thinks I should wait until I feel certain that I'm ready.

I just don't know the answer...............

The things you're not meant to talk about...

I went to a little family gathering on the weekend. It was an enjoyable day, but there was an elephant in the room that quickly became apparent.

My sister-in-law also struggled to conceive. She went through IVF years before I did. She now has two children through IVF, but has always wanted three. She has made the decision to go back again through my RE in November and try for a third child.

She knows that DH and I are going through IVF in the near future. We haven't really discussed it with our family or friends because we haven't been all that sure about what our plans are.

So the moment I walk in to the family party, my sister-in-law approaches me. " Have you been back to see the RE?" she said in an anxious voice? "When are you starting IVF again?"

I tried to play it cool and change the topic. I didn't work. She brought the conversation back to exactly when we would start IVF. She also wanted to know exactly how many embryos I would transfer. I knew that in her mind she was thinking that if we transferred two embryos, I could possibly end up with three children. And that is the desire of her heart - to have three children.

So what is the thing you're not meant to talk about? The reason I felt uncomfortable discussing our FET is that she doesn't want our FET to work, and she doesn't want me to fall pregnant. It's horrible to admit it....but there can be a sense of competitiveness that develops among those going through IVF.

This leads me to an important question........Who do I tell about the FET?

Obviously, I don't want to tell my sister-in-law much. It stresses me out, and I don't really think I want to be sharing competitive IVF stories. I think I'm going to try to give her a bit of space over the coming months.

I have other friends who would be really supportive if I told them. Yet I feel a bit hesitant this time around.

Did you tell anyone when you were going through IVF? Who did you tell, and why?

FET Decision Made

I have had so many different feelings associated with when to do my FET. Do I do it before DH deploys in August, while he is deployed or after he gets home again next year?

We've finally made the decision.

We're doing the FET in May.....Next month.

The decision has been made on practical grounds. I need DH here to support me while I go through the practical and emotionally challenging aspects of IVF again. So we need to do it quickly before he goes.

We have two embryos which we will do over two transfers (if needed).

I am praying that one of these FETs will work out for us. I just can't see myself doing a fresh IVF cycle while he is away.

I'm excited and nervous.

So FET, here we come next month!

Trying to stay postive

Anyone who has been through infertility knows that it's a crazy journey. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows. There are days where you feel incredibly hopeful, and days where you feel depressed.

Sometimes my mind slips into a depressed way of thinking. It tells me that although I've been through IVF before and have one beautiful daughter, IVF won't work again for us. I start to feel bitter and twisted, and tearful and removed from everyone.

Then other times I try to focus on the positives. I try to think about how darn thankful I am to have our baby girl. This makes me feel that my life is complete, rather than lacking a sibling.

So I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive. The RE says that we have a really good chance of having another baby. I know things don't always go to plan but I have to remain hopeful for the future but thankful of the present. Life is damn good, and I don't want depressive thoughts to steal my joy.

Cuteness in Sickness and in Health

We're in love. Of course we've always loved our baby girl, but she's just so damn cute at the moment. The fluffy blonde hair, character and tomboy attitude. I can see why people want to go back for Number Two! But over the last few weeks, we've been sick. DH, baby girl and I have been really, really sick. We haven't been able to eat anything and we've been losing weight. We've been feeling rotten and baby girl has been up most nights. For the first time in my life I was thankful I am not pregnant or breastfeeding right now - I don't think my body has anything left to give. Thankfully we saw an awesome Doctor who thinks that we caught a rare bug in the water when we traveled interstate a few weeks ago. The bug isn't life threatening but will make babies fail to thrive. Scary. So we've taken antibiotics to get rid of the bug, and I've been juicing and taking vitamins. I've started baby girl taking vitamins too. Over the last few days we're doing much better. I finally feel myself again. I can eat - yay!! And boy are we hungry. We've got catching up eating to do. The annoying this is that my period STILL hasn't arrived and it's CD40. Yep, day 40. And before taking the antibiotics I took a pregnancy test just to confirm to myself that I wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't. So it's just my body taking it's damn time. Provided things are on track physically I'm warming up to the idea of an FET in June/July. DH leaves in August, and I'd like to squeeze in one FET before he goes. It will be much easier getting the ball rolling while he's here I think. Also from a practical perspective, he can look after baby girl while I'm having blood tests etc. I'm starting to get excited! Oh and for some reason Blogger is not allowing me to insert paragraph spaces. I just don't have time to figure it out but if you know how to fix it I'd appreciate it.

Feeling my way in the Dark

It's been a week since DH returned from his last business trip. It's great to have him home again. Life is just so busy at the moment. I really enjoy being a Mom. Our little girl is full of life. She is extremely active and gets bored very quickly. It is a tiring job to keep her occupied, but it is very enjoyable. DH and I were talking tonight about the FET. Right now, we just feel like life is so busy. I couldn't even imagine going through IVF at the moment. I think the prospect of him going away is just so daunting that I can't imagine the stress of IVF too. So we both agreed that we're feeling our way in the dark. I'm not sure when I'll feel ready to do the FET. I just know that I don't feel ready now. Hopefully I will feel ready sometime in the coming 2 to 6 months. But for now we're just enjoying each day together.

Home Again

My husband is home again, and it's been really nice enjoying some time together. We went and saw a movie together last night which was really good. And we've planned a casual dinner out this week to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I've only got 12 weeks with him before he leaves for 6 months so I want to make the most of it! To be honest, we're also both pretty exhausted right now. I've been managing a cold that has been lingering for several weeks and draining my energy. Our little one is waking each night at 1am and it's taking over an hour to resettle her. And I'm trying to relax about things around the house. Normally my husband's mess when he gets back from a trip would annoy me, but I'm trying to laugh it off. I guess it doesn't really matter if the house is a mess. My little girl is a nightmare to change at the moment. As soon as I try to lie her down to change her, she flips over onto her stomach and wriggles to the ground. Today I couldn't stop her in time, so she crawled off down the hallway in glee with no pants on. Next thing she crawled out the dog flap into the backyard. Normally I would be really uptight about her crawling around with no pants on. But today I just laughed. I even called my husband over to watch too. And he would normally flip out, but today we just didn't have the energy to worry. And it felt good. Then I went to bath her and I couldn't find the plug. I remember that she was playing with it sometime and she must have left it somewhere. So, I just plonked her in the shower instead, and she had a blast. I'll have to remember to be more relaxed in future, as it really helps the whole mood of the family when Mommy is calm (easier said than done though!)

My husband is still away for work, but he gets home on Friday. I've had a few curve balls thrown at me while he's been away. Baby girl and I both got sick twice. And today I had a wild bird in the house! It was chaos - flying around everywhere trying to look for a way out. Getting animals that shouldn't be in the house out is my husband's job. But seeing as he wasn't there to handle it I had to do it. And I'm proud that I've coped well while he's been gone. All of these little challenges have given me confidence to know that somehow I'll cope while he's away. It's also given me confidence to know that I'll cope if I'm pregnant and if I'm not pregnant while he's away. I've been talking to a good friend of mine. She has two children through IVF and she is so keen to have one more. She told me that if she was able to conceive naturally they would probably have had three children just as she wanted. But now she has to go through another round of IVF to have another baby and it's just so hard. As we all know, there is such a financial and emotional cost of IVF. She also said that people have made her feel greedy for wanting another child. Their rationale is that surely after two IVF babies, you can be happy with your lot? Why be greedy and go for a third IVF baby? It got me thinking about babies and how many babies I would have had, could have had, should have had without infertility in the picture. If I didn't have infertility, I would probably have had 3 children (and the eldest would have been about 5 years old by now). But I do have infertility and I'm so thankful I have a beautiful one year old miracle. But how many babies could I go for using IVF? I don't know. Right now I'm happy to go for number 2. If I'm lucky enough to have a number 2, DH and I would contemplate going for number 3 (maybe). It got me thinking that we just don't know what the future holds for any of us. So the best thing we can do is be thankful for what we have today, rather than constantly striving for what we don't have. Today I have a beautiful one year old baby girl. She's such a joy, and a miracle. If I can have a sibling to add to the family I will be thrilled.

3 Months to FET

It's three months to go until the FET. I feel really good about it at the moment. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins but apart from that there's not much I can do.

I've noticed some of the horrible infertility feelings resurfacing from time to time. Sometimes I feel incredibly jealous of my friends who conceive so easily. But I think those feelings go hand in hand with wanting another baby and having to go through infertility treatment.

DH is away for work for 3 weeks. It's been a big test for me. Can I cope without him? Too bad if I can't, because I'm going to have to learn to for the 6 months he's away.

So far I think I'm coping pretty well. There are times when I feel desperately lonely and isolated. But on the whole I have a good support network which makes a massive difference.

I don't know what the future holds, and I don't know if IVF will work. But somehow I know it will all be OK.

Putting things in perspective

I was so surprised to read my last blog entry and see two comments from my old bloggy friends Sue and Lisa. Thanks so much guys - you are awesome.

It's funny how much can happen in a week that puts things in perspective.

My pregnant friend had a miscarriage, so I've spent a lot of the week in contact with her. She is holding up really well despite the awfulness of what she's going through.

My best friend is currently living and working in Tokyo. After the earthquake and tsunami last week, she has been going through hell. It really puts things in perspective.

My other friend is having a lot of trouble TTC # 2 and envies ME that I have 2 frozen embies to try. That's a first - someone envying MY fertility (or lack of)!

And funnily enough, my two other friends who decided to try for #3 have both decided that they're not going to try for another baby now. Apparently 2 kids are more than enough.

DH and I decided that we'll try one FET in June. If it works I'll be due 6 weeks after he gets home. If it doesn't work, I'll have a break for a few months and will try the second FET in September.

I feel really good about this plan. IVF is on the radar, but it's not until June so I can have some breathing space.

In other news, DH and I planned a really romantic night last night as he is off to Washington for work for 2 weeks today. Just as we were in the middle of enjoying our night (if you get what I mean), we heard some strange sounds coming through the baby monitor. I leaped out of bed to check on her and she had puked all over the place. The poor little thing! She puked and puked all night. I had to bath her twice in the night, and change her clothes 5 times. DH and I hardly got any sleep and we were exhausted and felt filthy this morning when he left. So much for a romantic send off!

The Panic and the Calm

The last few days I've been feeling a bit panicky.

The thought of DH's deployment looming is a bit scary.

The prospect of going through IVF is even more scary. And the combination of the two of them together? Terrifying.

I know I have a lot of fear in my heart. I'm scared of how I'll cope when DH is away. I'm scared of how I'll cope when I go through IVF (whenver that may be). I'm scared about how I'll cope if I'm not able to get pregnant and I'm scared of how I'd cope being pregnant alone.

There are a lot of scary unknowns for me this year.

I think I just need to focus on what my values are, and when the right time is for me to do IVF. Then I can manage the fear and anxiety. I want values to rule my life, not fear.

After my panicky few days I've been feeling pretty calm. Life with a one-year-old is busy and fun. I get swept away with life and forget all about IVF. And it's good.

Back at the IVF Clinic with Updated Plan

Things have been kind of interesting around here lately.
I've had babies, babies, babies on my mind (and whether or not I can have another baby!)
So many of my good friends are trying for babies at the moment, and two friends have started to try for baby number 3 (lucky things).
So naturally I've been swept up in all the baby talk.
And I've been feeling a bit anxious about starting IVF, and I started to wonder whether I should do IVF sooner than I'd planned.
Thankfully, I spoke to my Mom who gave me a good reality check last night. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Mom, I know that I planned that we would wait a while before doing IVF again. I know that makes sense and will fit in better with our life plans. But all my friends are trying to fall pregnant right now, and it won't be long before all the pregnancy announcements are made. I'm already feeling panicky and anxious about IVF. So I'm thinking maybe I should just do it sooner than I planned."

Mom: "But I thought you decided to wait a little while. You had really sensible reasons for waiting. You wanted to focus on spending time with your daughter and DH before he goes on his deployment. And we are going to have a family holiday in August (the month he leaves). Why are you thinking about doing IVF now?"

Me: "Because all my friends will be pregnant soon and I won't be able to cope. I just want to get IVF over and done with."

Mom: " Do you think that's really a good reason? Your DD has only just turned one. You shouldn't do IVF just because all your friends are getting pregnant. You should do it because it's right for you.'

Me: " I know you're right Mom. But nothing is logical or reasonable with IVF. Emotions take over and sweep aside rationality."

So, then I decided to discuss it with DH. DH is getting slightly irritable with my indecisiveness. He just wants me to hurry up with IVF and not stress so much about it.

DH became annoyed when I told him I wanted to wait until later in the year. I couldn't figure out why this would annoy him. It turns out that he thinks he has a good chance of getting a great posting next year. If he gets the posting, we would be leaving in October. If I do fall pregnant at the end of the year, it would be too late to get this posting. And boy, he really wants to do this family posting.

After this discussion I felt conflicted. Do I rush into IVF like DH wants? If it is successful, then I would experience the whole pregnancy alone. DH may even miss the delivery. At best, he would come home and have a newborn. It's alot to adjust to.

But do I wait a while like Mom suggested? Do I see DH off on his deployment and then do the FET once I feel OK? What about the posting next year (if we get it?)

And what do I want in all of this? I need to make the decision for goodness sake!!

So after seeking Mom's opinion and DH's opinion, I sat down with a piece of paper. Instead of figuring out when IVF would suit me, I went backwards. When would the arrival of a newborn suit us as a family?

If DH gets home in mid-Feb 2012, then the birth of a baby in May/June sounds perfect. It would give us enough time to adjust to being together again. It would allow us time to decorate a new nursery together, or to make plans for the October posting.

So that means that the IVF cycle could start in September.

This is a good plan because:

• I can enjoy a few drinks with DH before he leaves for his deployment. We dont' have to stress about IVF. We can focus on our little family, and having fun together.
• I can adjust to DH being gone before worrying about IVF.
• I can go on the holiday with my family after DH goes.
• I can then do the FET in September when I get back from the holiday.
• If all goes to plan, I will only be 5 months pregnant when DH gets home. I can still run around after DD and won't be too big.
• I can focus on enjoying having DH home before the baby arrives. DH can be involved in the pregnancy.
• DH and I can organise the space for the new baby, and buy baby gear together.
• If the FET doesn't work and I need to do more IVF cycles, I can do another cycle when DH is home for his mid-deployment break.

So - that's the plan for now.

I feel so exhausted with all this stressing and planning!

Only 6 months to go until the FET. Enough time to relax and have fun with my little family but not too long to wait!!

When to do the FET?

After the meeting with the RE, I've been feeling optimistic about our chances of having another baby. DH and I have been planning the FET for May. The plan is that we can do FET(s) one embryo at a time, in May and June. If they're not successful we can do a fresh cycle in July before he leaves for 6 months in August. Then I can push on with futher treatment while he is away if necessary. Basically I have the attitude that I will just keep going with IVF until (hopefully) it works.

But knowing that DH is going away for 6 months has been really hard. In a way I have already started to grieve his absense. It has put a bit of pressure on our relationship, and we're having to work hard at making time for ourselves as a couple. I'm really starting to wonder if starting the IVF process just before he goes away is really the best option. I'm only 32 years old. The Doctor doesn't think there is only problem delaying it until DH gets home if I want to do that.

I've started to think about the various scenarios.

Scenario One.
I fall pregnant in May/June or July.
DH then leaves for 6 months.
No doubt it will be very hard to have him away.
If I feel sick or tired it will be hard to look after my little girl.
I won't be able to do some of the things I currently do with my little girl, like lug her around on my back.
I probably won't enjoy the pregnancy as much as DH wouldn't be there to share it with me.
When DH returns we would be right into having the second baby. It will be a baptism of fire for him to come home and have a second baby right away. There would be no settling in period for us both.

So they're all the negatives. The positives are that of course I would be thrilled to be pregnant again.

Scenario Two.
We do FETs in May and June and they don't work. I then do a fresh cycle in July just before DH goes. I can imagine that my stress levels would be through the roof as IVF cycles and Deployments are not very compatible.
The worst thing would be that if it doesn't work, I would feel incredibly scared that it won't work for us. And i'd be on my own for 6 months with that fear.

Scenario Three.
I delay the FETs.
I can spend time chasing around after my little monkey while DH is away.
I can enjoy a glass of wine while DH is away.
If I decide that I want to try while DH is away, I can always go through a FET or two.
But otherwise I can just wait for him to get home.
I think this would be the least stressful option. Financially it would be better as it would give us a chance to save more for the IVF.
I think if I did fall pregnant when DH returned it would be a nice age gap between kids (2.75 years).
I think I would enjoy the pregnancy a lot more.
And if the FETs didn't work, I could do a fresh cycle pretty well.

After typing all this out, I think it's a no brainer. I've decided that I'm going to delay the FETs.

Review with the RE

DH and I met with the RE on Monday. It's been 2 years since we were last in that office.

I remember 2 years ago that the RE had been cautious about our chances of having a baby. This time, she seemed much more optimistic. She told us that because we already had one successful IVF cycle and pregnancy, she sees no reason why we can't replicate it.

There was some interesting news that came out of the meeting. Through my last IVF cycles, there seemed to be a problem with egg quality. I was lead to believe that I had "bad eggs" which made me feel that we were running out of time to try for another baby.

At the review the RE explained that my eggs have been immature, but that doesn't mean they are bad. Instead of my "bad eggs" being the cause of our infertility (as I had always believed), she thinks my ovarian reserve is excellent. Instead, she thinks that DH"s sperm is the problem. His sample appears to have a high percentage of fractured DNA sperm which places his fertility in the "very poor" range. Additionally, in our first IVF cycle, when my eggs were placed next to his sperm, they didn't fertilize. So regardless, the egg and sperm connection just doesn't work for us.

We left the office feeling really optimistic. We're set for a FET in May. If that's not successful we'll do another in June, then a fresh stimulated cycle in July (in time for DH to leave in August).

So, that's the plan.

But sometimes I look at my busy little one-year-old and wonder if i'm ready to go through IVF again. And if i'm ready to be pregnant without DH to help. I'm sure everyone has the same pre-IVF jitters at times.

Meeting with the RE

Next Monday, DH and I will be meeting with our RE.

I'm nervous about this, as I haven't seen our RE for almost 2 years. I'm also excited that it could be the beginning of the journey to another baby. But I'm also scared that it could result in a lot of tears and nothing to show.

We're planning on doing a FET in May. If that doesn't work, we'll do another FET in June followed by a fresh cycle in July. Then my husband will leave for 6 months.

I've caught myself falling into the old traps again - of being envious of my friends who can conceive so easily. From my high school friends, most of them are currently pregnant or have had a baby recently. To my knowledge, they all fell pregnant very quickly. It's hard for them to understand the journey I"ve been on to have my child (and hopefully children).

This time around, IVF seems just as scary as the first time. And although the stakes are still high (and my heart really desires a sibling for my daughter), I don't feel the same sense of desperation that I felt last time. I don't feel the same overwhelming fear that I might never be a mother. And if we don't suceed with IVF I will still be heartbroken. But I will try to live a life in which my heart's desires are filled by being a mother to my beautiful daughter.

The Plan

I was a little sad to see the end of 2010. For me, it was probably the best year of my life. My little lady was born and my husband and I became new parents. Looking back now it was a bit of a shock adjusting to the relentless demands of parenthood. But we're doing well enough to consider reaching for that holy grail one more time.
We have huge plans for 2011. They're so insanely stressful that I wonder why we're contemplating them...But the potential rewards will outweigh the inevitable stress. So we have set a massive challenge for ourselves in the hope the gamble will pay off.
The most influential/difficult challenge is that my husband will be going to Afgha.nistan in August for 6 months. He really wants to go, and I was convinced when he told me of the additional money he will make....money that will pay for further IVF, and allow me a good amount of maternity leave if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.
So the plan is that i'll do another IVF cycle just before he goes, and will continue while he is gone. Oh, and look after an 18 month old, super busy kid on my own. And work. I think we are a bit mad to take on so much, but the dangling carrot of another baby makes it seem worthwhile. And so the new chapter begins!
Next step is a hook up with my old RE who I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I'm nervous, excited and scared....