Tuesday, November 13, 2012


It's hard to believe that here I am....14 weeks pregnant with our second IVF baby due in May. 

It's taken some time for the news to sink in - that I really am pregnant and that there is (apparently) a live, healthy baby inside me right now. 

Today I had an ultrasound in the OB's office.  It's amazing how formed the baby is now..it looks like a tiny, real baby.  Somehow it made it feel more real.  The nervousness about the appointment turned into excitement. 

I feel I'm at a curve in the road right now.  I need to let go of some of the trauma associated with all of the years of fighting infertility, and going through cycle after cycle of IVF treatment.  I want to let go of the fear and apprehension of early pregnancy, and the anxiety that the pregnancy won't last.  I need to move forward in my life now with confidence and joy and extreme extreme thankfulness that I am finally in this position. 

I always wanted to have two children.  I feel that I am so close to fulfilling that life ambition.  It's not that my life would have been any less worthwhile if I had no children or just an only child.  But there is something incredibly special about having your heart's desires finally fulfilled after so many years of hurting. 

I know I'm not there yet.  There are many things that can still go wrong.  But today I felt that we are so close.

I am incredibly thankful and humbled right now. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

IVF cycle outcome

Hi there,

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote.  I've been having trouble logging into Blogger and so it's been a while since I updated. 

We have just finished our fifth IVF cycle.  The cycle started out pretty well - we had 9 mature eggs retrieved (the most ever) and we had 5 good looking embryos on Day 3.  We pushed it out to a Day 5 blast transfer and I went in expecting a few decent embryos based on the good Day 3 report. 

I was shocked the embryologist told us just one of the five embryos made it from day 3 to day 5.  I was so overwhelmed at the thought of having to do another stimulated cycle if this one didn't work, I burst into tears before the embryo transfer.  In fact, I cried my way through the entire procedure even though I was doing everything I could to keep it together. 

The RE reassured me that my distress wouldn't affect the outcome of the cycle...but it wasn't great.  You want to go into a transfer feeling calm and happy, not crying your eyes out with distress.

After the transfer I opted not to lie down alone (I knew I would just cry more), so I went shopping instead.  And I phoned my Mom from the shops and cried some more (in public!) So it wasn't a great day.

The day after the transfer I got a surprise call from the clinic.  Two additional embryos had made it to blast on Day 6.  It was such a relief to have two frozen embryos that I immediately relaxed and felt much better about everything.

A week after the embryo transfer I had no symptoms.  I am the sort of person that can feel if I'm pregnant or not.  I don't need to POAS - in fact, I try to avoid them.  I felt my two last chemcial pregnancies, and it was so disappointing to feel the pregnancy symptoms come and then go three days later. 

So again, I was upset when I had no symptoms a week after transfer.  I called Mom from work (again in tears) telling her that I didn't think it had worked.  It felt like a BFN cycle. 

Strangely that afternoon at work I started to feel nauseas.  It continued throughout the afternoon and I felt so elated.  The symptoms then continued for the remaining two days - reassuring pregnancy symptoms. 

Now, I had no idea whether or not I was pregnant.  But it was nice to have a few days of believing that I could be pregnant.  It was like living in a fantasy land, and I didn't want to have my beta taken. 

I went in the day of the beta to have my test.  I was so nervous waiting for the result.  The nurse called an hour later than she was supposed to - apparently the results were slow coming in.  She sounded normal on the phone - almost a bit flat.  I thought it was a BFN or chemical again.  Then she said "I have some really nice news for you."  The beta came back at 175 which is a day earlier than they normally draw blood due to the weekend.  So she was happy with that number, and so were we. 

Since then I've been in complete and utter shock.  The symptoms have continued and I certainly feel more pregnant now. 

After five IVF cycles it's difficult to get too elated. I know that too many things can go wrong and I can't get too excited just yet.  But a BFP is a great step forward. 

I feel so happy and blessed.  I think we may be having a new member of the family join us in 2013.  How incredible! 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

New IVF cycle underway

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. 

When I last posted it was just after our last BFN.  I was a bit of a mess. Upset, tearful, distressed, convinced we were at the end of the road. 

In the month or so since then I've been doing some healing. I gave myself permission to avoid difficult and unhelpful people, and have surrounded myself with great friends and family.  I've been cooking with DH and have just been having fun with the family. 

We've decided to do one more stimulated cycle with our current RE.  I started stims yesterday so the retrieval probably won't be for another 2 weeks. 

I haven't been focussing too much on outcomes this cycle.  I realize that the outcome of an IVF cycle is pretty much outside of my control anyway.  Instead I've been focussing on the process, or the journey.  And trying to make each day as happy and rewarding as it can be.  Whether or not we achieve a BFP isn't really on my radar right now (i'm sure as we progress it will be more and more). 

I also have a backup plan if this doesn't work.  I guess i'm not really expecting a great result based on all our failure to date.  But I'm planning on consulting with a great RE interstate if this last cycle doesn't work.  I'm seeing him in one month (which will be helpful if we don't get a BFP this cycle). 

All in all I'm in a good place. Happy, healthy and trying to enjoy things as much as I can.  I'll keep you updated with how this IVF cycle progresses!

Friday, July 13, 2012


Right now I'm feeling the pain of infertility so greatly.

I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility.  I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle.  I've had many losses and failures along the way.  They all hurt, and I hurt now.

There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction.  We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.

But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again. 

Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it. 

It comes on at unexpected times.  It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child.  It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends.  It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive.  It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn.  I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough.  It just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life.  It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending.  It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.

But I also have so much joy from my family.  So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain.  Happiness miexed with sorrow.  A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life.  That things don't always turn out the way we plan.  That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach. 

We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle.  I need to try to muster some hope for it.  It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain.  It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure.  Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer.  The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing.  But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

FET outcome

We had the frozen embryo transfer just over two weeks ago.  I started having pregnancy symptoms about 5 days post transfer.  Unfortunately on the morning of the beta test the symptoms went away again.  I knew it was another chemical pregnancy. 

It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12.  Two days later it was 9. 

I felt pretty devestated after the results.  I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed.  It seems that we may never have another child. 

I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope.  She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings.  It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off. 

We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle.  The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos. 

After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through.  I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are.  And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.

The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating.  She urges us to keep going.  She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.

To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic.  Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

FET complete

Today we had the frozen embryo transfer of our last little embryo. 

I am feeling pretty good about everything at the moment.  I have gained a bit of "zen" over the last few months.  I'm feeling more positive about this cycle following the surgery two months ago. 

Of interest, several of the IVF nurses asked me today if we would stop treatment if this one didn't work.  I told them that we'd take a break for a month or two, then do one final stimulated cycle in about August/September.  I really hope it doesn't come down to that!

Beta is next Thursday.  I'm not going to test from home this time.  I did that last cycle and the negative home tests were so distressing.  I didn't know if it was a true negative, or whether it was just too early to test (turned out it was a true negative).

Anyway - I'm just trying to enjoy the moment and give this little embryo a chance. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Our IVF Plan

After the laparoscopy findings last week (where a large nodule was removed), our friends have been thrilled that we've finally located the source of our infertility.  Now our family and friends tell us "you guys can probably conceive naturally now!  Just relax and have some fun."

These words made me shudder.  It reminds me of the years 2007-2009 when I was convinced we had a fertility problem but Doctors, family and friends tried to tell us "it would happen."  Clearly, it wouldn't happen as we had many infertility issues to overcome. 

I don't want to get my hopes up that we will conceive at all, let alone naturally.  During our first IVF attempt, NONE of our eight eggs fertilized naturally.  We obviously have some sort of problem in the fertilization department (likely DNA fragmentation) that is overcome by PICSI during the IVF process.  But this problem is likely to impede or significantly slow down the chances of a natural conception.  I estimate we may have a 10% chance of natural conception now if we tried for a year.  Not good odds. 

So I want to keep going with IVF.  IVF gives us our best chance.  But it's expensive.  Very expensive. And it's been causing problems in the family.

DH's parents don't want us to continue IVF. They think it won't work and it's a waste of money.  Their attitude upsets me, as I don't think it's any of their business how we spend our money.

My parents are the opposite. They see how much I want a baby, and they're willing to help financially. 

So, now we just have to decide what to do.  IVF?  Try naturally?  Give up?

It feels that we've come too far to give up now.  It feels so CLOSE to a baby.  We can make good embryos. We just need the right embryo.  And now my endometriosis has been resolved, it should help our chances.

So DH and I have agreed to a plan.  It's basically easier for me to have a "plan" for the year that we can follow, rather than trying to make decisions based on raw emotions (particularly following a BFN). 

So, this is our plan.

May - Healing from laparoscopy and internal stitches.
June - Transfer last frozen embryo.  If negative......
July -  One month break to "try naturally." (I can tell this to the in-laws if they ask me...I can say "we're not doing IVF right away.  We're trying naturally" even though it's only for one month).
August - Stimulated IVF cycle.  This would be our 5th IVF cycle, so I can't imagine what will happen if this doesn't work.

God, I hope it works!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Finally after months of feeling that things were "on hold" in the fertility department it's wonderful to have some momentum.

After the laparoscopy this week, I've been mentally thinking of anything we can do to move forward from here.

I've made appointments with my RE and the surgeon to ask some follow up questions.

I've been researching fertility supplements for DH to improve his sperm fragmentation issues. If there's a small chance the surgeon thinks we can conceive naturally (even if I don't quite believe him) I want to do everything we can to improve our chances of conception or future IVF. 

I've just found some very expensive male supplements that I've ordered online.  DH and I discussed it before buying them.  We agreed that we don't want to have any regrets - no stone left unturned.  Whether we are successful with a pregnancy or not, we want to do everything in our power to make it happen.  So the supplements are en route as I speak (I dread to even look at our credit card balance these days!)

So then next steps:
1.  Meet with the RE in May to discuss findings of laparoscopy.
2.  Meet with surgeon in early June for post-operative review, review of natural killer cells test, and recommendations for further IVF.
3.  June - FET using our last frozen embryo.

I'm not sure what we'll do if the last embryo doesn't work.  I guess we'll do another IVF cycle if the RE thinks it's worthwhile. One step at a time though. 

I"m feeling good mentally - finally I can see some light..

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Interesting lap findings

I had the laparoscopy this week.  My RE wasn't sure if I needed one, but I felt that something wasn't right so I went ahead with it.  Boy, am I glad I did.

The surgeon was very surprised by the findings. He removed a very large endometrial nodule (the size of small orange) that was impacting on the uterus and some other internal organs.  He was able to remove all of it, and he doesn't think it will grow back again.  Most likely I've had it since a teenager, and it's been a significant part of my infertility.  It was evidently missed by the previous surgeon who diagnosed moderate endometriosis back in 2008 (how he could have missed a nodule the size of an orange was beyond the comprehension of my current surgeon!)

He seems to think that now the nodule has been removed, we have a good change of conceiving naturally.  As thrilling as it was to hear that (and it was very exciting to be told that after years and years of infertility treatments), I haven't taken it to heart.  The surgeon doesn't know my DH's sperm issues and high fragmentation rate meaning that it's unlikely we'll fall pregnant naturally.  But anyway - it was a lovely thing to hear after waking up from surgery "we've found something significant that's likely been the cause of your infertility - we've removed it and you've got a good chance of conceiving naturally now." 

The surgeon also took a biopsy to test for natural killer cells, to see if immune issues may be a problem.  It will be good to get these results back too.

The findings from the laparoscopy are significant step forward for us, and explain why the last three IVF cycles haven't felt right (and have been negative).  It also gives us hope for moving forward from here. 

The next step?  I'll go and see my RE in a few weeks after I'm feeling better physically.  We'll discuss the surprising results of the laparscopy, and re-evaluate future treatment with this new knowledge (maybe now we're just dealing with male factor issues, rather than my issues too). 

Then I'll go back to the surgeon and get the results of the natural killer cell test.  He also wants to show me some photos of the surgery.  Apparently it was quite something.

I also want to get the surgeon's opinion about moving forward from here.  I want to discuss DH's sperm issues with him and get his perspective. Does he REALLY think we can conceive naturally even with DH's issues taken into account?  It just doesn't seem possible to me, after dealing with infertility for so many years.

I'm feeling a bit sore now, but very very thankful.  I feel I've been lucky.  That our unexplained infertility issues are finally coming to light and being resolved.  Surely this makes us one step closer to having a baby?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Things aren't quite right

Our infertility journey has been "unfolding" (or rather, dominating) our lives since we came off birth control in 2005.

Back then, we had no idea what lay ahead of us. Being two 26 year old fit, young things, we assumed back then that we'd be able to have as many kids as we wanted when we wanted them.

But things haven't turned out that way for us. Fast forward to 2012, and here we are with one beautiful miracle two-year old, and an unfolding infertility story.

Over the course of the years we haven't known what was "wrong" with us. At first it was unexplained infertility. Then after the first laparoscopy I was diagnosed with endometriosis causing poor quality eggs. Then they thought the problem was overstimulation from the drugs and that I was fine. Then came DH's sperm DNA test which revealed high levels of sperm DNA issues (meaning we'd be unlikely to fall pregnant naturally).

We thought we'd overcome all of those issues when we had our beautiful DD two years ago. We assumed along with our RE that we'd be able to have another child. But here we are almost one year after starting out on our IVF journey to have another child, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.

I've been getting some strange menstrual symptoms. Things just don't seem right in my body. I've been getting loads of spotting for two weeks before my period, and also lots of symptoms in my pelvis. I think it's the endometriosis back again. I'm so thankful to be having this laparoscopy next week to hopefully get rid of it.

Things in our personal lives have also been difficult. DH has been getting tension headaches morning and night. So I've been trying to do everything around the house to lighten the load. It's exhausting. But I'm learning to just do what I can, and let the rest go. The floors are horrible and need a good clean, so I'm going to pay for the cleaners to come in today. We dont' care about the cost today - we're just too tired from everything.

Hopefully things will be better next time I write and the laparoscopy will be over with. Then we can get on with our fourth cycle of IVF trying for another baby. At least we now know what is wrong and it can be fixed. It's just been such a long and expensive road which seems to reveal more problems and no pregnancy.

It seems like we've been enduring infertility for years. Well, it has been years (since 2005). I just want this part of my life over with. No more IVF, surgeries, financial strain caused by ongoing treatments and difficulty coping with my friend's pregnancy announcements. I just want to get on with life and leave this all behind me. It's all been a bit of a nightmare.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The surgeon says...

I went to see the surgeon, to get an opinion on whether endometriosis is a problem. I was previously diagnosed with endo a few years ago and after a laparoscopy I fell pregnant with DD. I've been getting some symtpoms of endo returning, and I think it may be part of the reason (or the full reason) why our seemingly "beautiful" embryos (as described by the RE) aren't implanting.

The surgeon was a little strange in his manner, but a kind man. He listened to my history and symptoms, and he agreed that he thinks endometriois is a likely reason why IVF hasn't worked.

We discussed immune therapy. I've researched it online but my RE is reluctant to put me on any immune protocols yet (due to the side effects). He agreed that it may be an issue - and he's going to test for natural killer cells when he does the laparoscopy.

He is going on a vacation next month and has only one day of surgery left before he goes. His surgical list was full...but much to his assistant's horror he insisted on squeezing me onto the surgical list before he leaves. Thank you!

So now I'm scheduled for laparoscopy surgery to remove any endometriosis and test for natural killer cells that may be preventing the embryo implanting. The surgery is the week after next.

Oh - and the BEST part about the meeting (apart from finding a Doctor who has the same thoughts as I do), is that he said without a doubt that he expects we'll fall pregnant again. And then he repeated that he has no doubt we'll fall pregnant again (after the endo has been treated). So that was a wonderful thing to hear. NB. I have heard my RE say this and it hasn't worked out so far, so i'm not counting on it. But both my RE and the surgeon have independently given us a good prognosis now which is very encouraging.

So now it's full steam ahead for surgery in a fortnight! I'm feeling positive again for the first time in a long time.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Where I'm at

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote. Things have been pretty crazy in my life lately.

On the trying to conceive front.....I went to see the RE and she suspects that I may have endometriosis. She doesn't necessarily think it would stop an embryo from implanting, but it may. She gave me the option of having another FET to see if it works, or going to see a specialist endometriosis surgeon. I decided to book in and see the surgeon and i'm seeing him next week. I don't want to go ahead with an FET and waste our last embryo if endometriosis is a problem. I'd prefer to have a laparoscopy, have it removed and then proceed with more IVF.

So, we've been on a bit of a "forced break" from IVF while waiting for the appointment with the surgeon. It's been a good thing to have a break. It's difficult to fit in socially as many of my friends have now had second or third babies, and I feel different. But i'm determined that I won't let infertility ruin my friendships. So on "good days" I'll invite my friends and their newborns over and we'll have a great time. On "bad days" I avoid them and hang out with my other friends without newborns or pregnancies (so I don't have to think about it). I'm lucky to have a wide range of friends which helps a LOT.

On a personal note my Grandfather just passed away. He's been sick for a long time. It's been emotionally draining to spend so much time at the hospital with him while he was sick. DH and I were fighting from the stress of failed IVF combined with wanting to be at the hospital all the time. As soon as he passed away we felt a sense of great sadness but relief that he's no longer suffering. So the past few weeks have been about mourning his life, sorting his possessions and coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer around.

My friends have been wonderful - I think they feel a bit sorry for me with the failed IVF attempts and my Grandfather dying. I've received gifts and cards from friends, and I really appreciate it. I don't feel like I deserve them but I appreciate them.

I try not to think about the future at the moment. It's too depressing to think we may not have another child. I just try to enjoy the day, and enjoy being with DD and my husband and family. It helps a lot to not worry about the future.

So next step - meet with the surgeon next week. Book in laparoscopy for sometime hopefully soon. Have endometriosis dealt with. Proceed with further IVF. If it doesn't work, I'm going to ask the RE to put me on immune therapy (she has been reluctant to do so). If that doesn't work, then we're out of answers and it's the end of the road. I'm trying not to think like that - just taking each day as it comes.

I'll update again after seeing the surgeon next week.

Thanks for reading this little blog!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sometimes despair leads to action

Wow - I've been amazed by how deeply this latest IVF failure has affected me. To be honest, I find myself in uncharted territory now. After successfully having DD after our second round of IVF, I assumed (incorrectly) that having a sibling for her would be something we could achieve. In fact, we had two remaining blasts from her cycle and I thought that surely one of those high quality blasts could be her sibling?

Now here we are. It turns out that neither of those frozen blasts developed into a pregnancy, and we had to do another stimulated cycle. We were able to make another two good quality blasts, but one turned into a BFN and the other is still frozen. I never thought it would be this difficult.

To be honest, after the grief of the BFN last week, DH and I considered giving up trying. It seems like each cycle that passes moves us further away from a pregnancy. At least the first failed cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy. We're now into the territory of the BFN for no reason at all.

The sadness that we felt when we considered giving up on our quest for a sibling was overwhelming. I was surprised by how affected I have become by this journey. Yes, we already have a toddler. But unfortunately we still have a strong desire to have another child, and a dwindling bank account and will power by which to achieve this. It felt like we were nearing the end of the road.

And so I've been grieving, and despairing. I know in my heart that if we are truly not able to have another child that I will somehow have to accept it. But we have room for another child. We have space in our hearts for another child. Ask any mother of more than one child, and they will tell you how much they love all of their children.

So i've been talking to some people - very selective people. My friends IRL don't really understand as they haven't walked in my shoes. I explain that IVF didn't work and I feel sad, but I don't say more than that. I know they couldn't understand the feelings of failed IVF cycles.

Then there are a few people IRL who have been through IVF. One in particular had a really tough time but is now having her third IVF baby. She urges me not to give up. She messages me daily telling me not to give up. Other family members are equally as supportive - and give me consistent messages of love, support, and hope.

Then there's the one person who hears the worst parts of this situation - my Mom. I talk to my Mom openly and honestly about how I feel. I cry on the phone to her. I pour out my heart to her. I admit my bitterness and anger about my situation. I tell her about my feelings of depression and desperation. We talk about my perfectionistic personality, and how I don't manage "failure" and stress very well. I admit that I feel like a failure.

Mom and I talk about the situation. And she encourages me to keep going. She says to me "I only have one Grandchild, and we would love another one. We'll support you sweetie, any way you need it. Keep going - I think you can have another one if you keep trying." Later that day she turns up on my doorstep and leaves an unexpected $5000 to put towards the next cycle. It's money that she's earnt through her job and she wants us to have it.

So, I have incredible support behind me. I have the support of DH, my family, my friends, my boss and my RE.

Yes, we've had a few hurdles along the way. We're passing into uncharted territory. But I have to remember - all of those failed cycles are now in the past. They're history. I'm armed with the financial and emotional strength I need to continue on the journey. I have to keep going. So i'll stumble forward from here....hoping for something good to come out of all of this.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Beta is in

And it's another BFN......

This is our third failed IVF cycle now. I feel so sad about this outcome, as I never thought it would be this difficult for us to have another baby.

I'm starting to worry that DD was a one off miracle, never to be repeated.

Anyway, regardless of our sad feelings and sense of disappointment, we've decided to go ahead with another FET cycle next month. It's our last remaining embryo.

God, I hate this.....

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Embryo transfer complete!

We had the embryo transfer yesterday and it went really well.

I was nervous waiting to hear about the quality of the embryos. Two of them made it to blast and were high quality which is great. Our RE (who is very measured and not excitable) was genuinely pleased if not thrilled with the quality of the embryos which was encouraging.

So the mood in the room of the transfer was very upbeat and positive.

We transferred one embryo (as my RE doesn't recommend two unless over a certain age), and we froze the other embryo as backup. There is still some faint hope that one or two of the slower embryos may also make it to blast today to be frozen. The clinic will call us to let us know.

So now we're into the two week wait. I'm feeling calm and positive, but my DD is not sleeping! I've been up all night for the last four nights and am completely exhausted now. Please DD, please get some sleep so I can rest and won't feel so grumpy.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Day three fert report

The clinic called this morning to update us on the progress of the four little embryos.

Apparently they like to see 6 to 8 cells by day three. Our results:

1 x 8 cell
1 x 7 cells
1 x 5 cell (lagging behind a bit)

It's great news that we have three good looking embryos on Day three. They're going to do the transfer on Day 5 (Tuesday).

I'm feeling pretty good about this - we only need one good embryo, and we have three in the running. Fingers crossed we have a sibling for our DD in there somewhere.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Fertilization Report

We got the fertilization report today, and four of the five eggs have fertilized! I am really pleased with this number as it's the best result we've ever had from an IVF cycle.

We now have to wait for the Day Three report. Last cycle we got lucky and all of the fertilized eggs made it to blast. I'm hoping for two or more embryos that make it. The transfer will be on Tuesday if it all goes to plan.

I've been feeling really cheerful again. I think i've been feeling flat and sad for such a long time.

I know we're a long way off having a take home baby. But it's so encouraging to think that just maybe, our dreams of another child might come true.

I'll update after the Day three report!

Thanks again for reading!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

ER update

I had the ER today. I was so nervous going in. I was worried that they wouldn't get any mature eggs (or not enough anyway).

It was quite funny, because I had a personal connection to every member of my health team in the operating room. My Mom is a nurse and is good friends with two of the nurses that did the ER. My lovely acupuncturist is married to the anesthetist, and he was told to take extra good care of me. And I know the RE and embryologist from years of attending the fertility clinic. So it was a nice, family affair!

So, they ended up getting five mature eggs that can be injected! I know it's not a high number, but it's a good number for me. Last time I got four eggs which resulted in three embryos (and a live baby) so five eggs is good result for us.

I'm really hoping to get at least three embryos.

Now the waiting begins as we wait for the first fert report tomorrow.

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I'm finally starting to feel a small glimmer of hope.

Monday, February 20, 2012

ER scheduled

I had my final bloodwork and ultrasound today. There seem to be about 8 eggs of a good size. Based on previous experience, there will hopefully be four or more mature eggs out of the batch.

The ER is set for Thursday, and I have to trigger tonight.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all at the moment. I think it's best to try to forget about it and live life as normally as possible (as difficult as that is!)

I'll update after the ER.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

A great weekend away

DH and I took DD interstate for the weekend to visit friends. Initially I was a bit reluctant about traveling during IVF. But all I needed to do was pack my shots for the night and a few bits and pieces, and off we went.

We had an awesome time catching up with old friends from school. Some of them I haven't seen in years. I felt so good, and forgot all about IVF for a while.

Now we're back home again getting unpacked. We're tired (traveling with a toddler is never a vacation) but we're happy. I feel satisfied with things.

Oh, I almost forgot that I'm due back in the clinic in the morning for another ultrasound and blood work. I'm guessing ER will be this Weds or Thursday. I"m supposed to be working on Weds but I can work on Friday instead if needs be. I'll keep this blog updated.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Day seven

Hi there,

Today is day seven of the IVF cycle.

I went in for a scan this morning. So far I have about 9 eggs measuring 9-12mm, and a whole heap of other smaller ones developing too. So things are definitely happening in my ovaries.

Although I'm pleased that I am able to grow follicles, from previous experience, only 30-50% of the follicles actually have a mature egg inside them. So if they get 9 eggs from the ER, I can only expect 4 to be mature and able to be used.

I walked out of the clinic this morning feeling pretty depressed. When I got to the car I asked myself why I felt depressed? Things are going well, and there's no reason to be a pessimist. I realised that I'm so used to BFNs and watching other people fall pregnant, that I've developed a bit of a default depressive belief about my ability to conceive again. It isn't logical though, and I know that.

So I gave myself a bit of a pep talk. In actual fact, I'm probably closer to having another baby than I have ever been (fingers crossed). And the shots aren't that bad. So I could actually do it again if I need to do another cycle.

Today I'm just focussing on the day...on what I need to do with this day. Today I'm focussing on growing good eggs, eating well, resting, being with my family and trying to enjoy the day as much as I can.

Friday, February 10, 2012

IVF has started, with a bit of a bang

Today is Day two of IVF number three.

Yesterday I went to the clinic to collect all the medications. I have to admit I was nervous being there and it felt very overwhelming (my last two cycles were frozen, and therefore much easier).

When I got home yesterday I felt a bit crappy. Then I got news from my other friend who has been trying to conceive, that she is pregnant through her first IVF cycle. I was so thrilled for her. But then I selfishly started to feel like I'm stuck in the trenches all alone without her beside me. Add to that, two of my best friends are due to have their babies this week (we had all started trying to fall pregnant at the same time, and while they are giving birth I will be starting another IVF cycle).

It all just seemed too much. Floods of anger, self-pity and sadness flooded over me. I just felt so damn sad, and not hopeful at all that this will work out.

DH was out of the house, so I called my Mom. I could barely speak I was crying so hard.

That night my parents came over for dinner with DH's parents. I couldn't stop crying. It was a little embarrasing, but I just felt so overwhelmed by IVF. My tears continued into the night. I honestly wondered how I'm going to cope with all this, but the alternative of not having a sibling for DD seems worse.

Anyway - I woke up this morning feeling much better. More positive. I realised that i've been pretty stressed out of late, and I've been focussing too much on IVF. I'm going to try to get my life back, and focus less on IVF and more on having fun.

So, here I go again. I'm determined to push any thoughts of self-pity or anger to one side, and try to believe that maybe this might just work out.

(BTW a one-liner from a movie hit home. " It's all going to be alright in the end. So if it's not alright, it's not the end." I have to believe that somehow this will all work out alright. )

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The stars aligning?

Hi there,

I'm not sure if anyone reads this little blog anymore, but it's still a helpful place for me to come and chronicle my situation.

After a tough 2011 on the fertility front, I finally feel like things are starting to change for us.

Firstly, my DH comes home from deployment in just under a fortnight! I am so amazed that he is almost home. I can literally feel layers of stress peeling off me. I feel so much lighter knowing that he'll be home safely soon and that he can also help me more with DD. I can't wait to have him and his support back again.

Secondly, I start stims for IVF in just over 2 weeks. I am excited to finally get going with IVF again. There has been so much waiting while DH was away. It was hard to wait, but I needed to do the right thing for me and my family. I think it is definitely the "right time" to pursue more treatment now.

So, life is looking good for us. It's been a tough deployment at times and i'm glad it's almost over. I know we'll have some readjustment issues to work through as well as IVF, but i'm confident that it will all work out somehow.

I"ll keep you posted.

Friday, January 6, 2012

IVF plans for 2012

Trying to conceive number 2 has been a stop-start, stop-start, stop-start experience for me. It's been very difficult because of DH's absense on deployment, and the demands on me to do IVF alone (while managing our toddler, working, taking care of the house etc).

I'm not complaining as I'm really proud of DH for doing the deployment. But I guess I've got to admit that it's taken all of my physical and emotional energy just to cope with the deployment. Let alone adding solo IVF to the mix.

In my last post I had decided to go ahead with IVF this month using DH's frozen sperm. I want to move ahead so badly - the waiting between cycles has been driving me crazy!

But I also have to accept the reality of my situation. Coping with a deployment is hard. Doing IVF without a partner's support is hard. It's possible - but it's difficult.

I've had to step back from the situation and decide what is most important to me. So these are the things I've been thinking:

1. The RE believes we make better embryos from fresh not frozen sperm.
2. Having DH around when doing a cycle makes it much less stressful from a practical and emotional sense.
3. Our goal is to have a take home baby as a family at some point - not just rush into IVF on my own ASAP.
4. Really, waiting until Feb/March when DH is home is frustrating, but it makes sense.

For this reason I've made the decision to wait until Feb to do the cycle. It will be a frustrating 5 week delay. But DH will then be home for good, and life will get easier (I hope). Also, we can then proceed from there without any further delays if we have to.

So, bring on 2012!