Friday, July 13, 2012


Right now I'm feeling the pain of infertility so greatly.

I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility.  I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle.  I've had many losses and failures along the way.  They all hurt, and I hurt now.

There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction.  We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.

But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again. 

Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it. 

It comes on at unexpected times.  It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child.  It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends.  It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive.  It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn.  I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough.  It just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life.  It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending.  It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.

But I also have so much joy from my family.  So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain.  Happiness miexed with sorrow.  A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life.  That things don't always turn out the way we plan.  That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach. 

We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle.  I need to try to muster some hope for it.  It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain.  It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure.  Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer.  The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing.  But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

FET outcome

We had the frozen embryo transfer just over two weeks ago.  I started having pregnancy symptoms about 5 days post transfer.  Unfortunately on the morning of the beta test the symptoms went away again.  I knew it was another chemical pregnancy. 

It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12.  Two days later it was 9. 

I felt pretty devestated after the results.  I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed.  It seems that we may never have another child. 

I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope.  She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings.  It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off. 

We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle.  The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos. 

After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through.  I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are.  And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.

The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating.  She urges us to keep going.  She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.

To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic.  Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.