Friday, May 27, 2011

DH, his boys, and the deployment

DH had to drop his boys off at the clinic today. He's leaving them behind for me so that I have access to them if I need them for IVF while he's on deployment.

DH's deployment is creeping up. Some of my friends have been asking me how I feel about it. I guess they feel a bit sorry for me and they want to know how I'm coping.

So far I'm coping OK. It's hard to believe that he's going for 6 months. Part of me just wants him to hurry up and leave already. I know this sounds harsh, but we've been waiting for this deployment for 14 months. I just want it to be over.

I'm trying not to think about things too much, and trying not to feel too much. I feel a bit overwhelmed and numb about everything.

How do I feel about DH leaving me? Numb.....

How do I feel about the frozen embryo transfer in July? Numb...........

How do I feel about possibly being pregnant in a few months? Numb..............

What will I do if the frozen transfer doesn't work out? Will I go through IVF on my own? I don't know................................

I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and not thinking too far ahead.

I'm kind of excited about IVF in July, but kind of scared about it not working out.

But overall I think I'm doing pretty well. I'm thankful that I have an awesome RE. I've been through IVF before so I know what to expect. And I've got my baby girl to keep me busy. And when you look at things, life is darn good.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

On with Plan B..........

After a few "false starts" AF finally arrived today. That makes this cycle 27 days, and last cycle 45 days. What a variable cycle I have!

The timing of this cycle is not good. If we wanted to go ahead with the FET, DH is scheduled to be away for work for the entire 10 days and I am scheduled to go away on a little family vacation with my parents. It would create a lot of stress for me to have to reschedule the vacation, and I also wouldn't have my DH around to help out around the house after the FET.

Furthermore, if the FET did work and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant the baby would be due just 3 weeks after DH's scheduled return from deployment. As we know babies don't generally arrive on their due date and I would be pretty stressed about whether or not he would be home.

As a result, DH and I decided to delay the FET for one more month. This would make it a June cycle with a transfer in early July. The timing of this is much better as DH will be around for the FET. We don't have any other plans for the month and we can really focus on it together. And if I were lucky enough to fall pregnant, the timing would be much better. The baby would be due in late March which would give DH and I almost 2 months to adjust to his return from deployment.

The bad side is that I now have just one month to do and FET with DH here before he leaves on deployment. If it doesn't work then I am going to have to decide whether to do another FET just as he is leaving, or wait until he has gone. I think we are just going to have to cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Overall I"m feeling a bit disappointed that this cycle just didn't work out for us. I know it's just a month to wait until we cycle. I guess that IVF has been on my radar screen for so long now that I'm anxious to get started.

But the other part of me is relieved. I've been feeling really unsure about cycling this month and now the decision has been taken out of my hands. I think that life with be calmer next month, and I'll feel more prepared for the FET. So overall, I think it's probably working out for the best.

Friday, May 13, 2011

What is the Go?

My cycle is officially crazy.

Last month I had a 45 day cycle.

This month my cycle is 21 days long. It's crazy and frustrating.

Because my cycle is super short this month, we just can't go ahead with the FET. If I did and it was successful, DH would barely be home from his deployment by the due date (and I really don't want to be stressed about whether or not he would make it to the baby's birth).

So it seems as though fate is making me wait another month for the FET.

I feel a bit relieved to be honest. Life is pretty full right now, and I haven't thought about IVF lately. I guess waiting one more month isn't that big a deal. I just feel a bit upset that it's not going to plan like i'd hoped.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Pushing ahead

Despite some doubt and uncertainty about IVF, DH and I are still pushing ahead this month.

Because of DH's deployment in August, we're bound by time frames.

If I have a short cycle this month, I won't be able to do IVF until next month (or risk having a baby before DH returns!) But if my cycle is a normal-long or very long cycle then I'll be OK to start in May.

I've decided to try to reduce my lifting around the house for after the transfer. I'm booking the cleaners to come back again and I'm going to start Internet grocery shopping. I'm still a bit worried about lifting my little girl during the 2ww. Any thoughts?

Friday, May 6, 2011

Am I an IVF chicken?

I'm sitting here enjoying a big glass of wine. Today I went to work and I didn't think about babies or IVF once. It was so nice.

Yet, I'm scheduled to start IVF this month!

I just feel so overwhelmed by DH's upcoming deployment that the thought of going through IVF is almost too much to deal with.

Am I ready for IVF? I don't know.......

I really want to stick to our plan of starting IVF this month. But if it is postponed for some reason I think I'll feel happy about it. I've just turned 32 years old, and I have 2 remaining good quality embryos. I have a beautiful 14 month old daughter. I know there is no real need to rush in, but I just want to get IVF done and get on with my life.

But I just don't know if I can deal with it right now.

My friend thinks that I need to be 100% ready for IVF before I do it. She thinks I should wait until I feel certain that I'm ready.

I just don't know the answer...............