Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sometimes despair leads to action

Wow - I've been amazed by how deeply this latest IVF failure has affected me. To be honest, I find myself in uncharted territory now. After successfully having DD after our second round of IVF, I assumed (incorrectly) that having a sibling for her would be something we could achieve. In fact, we had two remaining blasts from her cycle and I thought that surely one of those high quality blasts could be her sibling?

Now here we are. It turns out that neither of those frozen blasts developed into a pregnancy, and we had to do another stimulated cycle. We were able to make another two good quality blasts, but one turned into a BFN and the other is still frozen. I never thought it would be this difficult.

To be honest, after the grief of the BFN last week, DH and I considered giving up trying. It seems like each cycle that passes moves us further away from a pregnancy. At least the first failed cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy. We're now into the territory of the BFN for no reason at all.

The sadness that we felt when we considered giving up on our quest for a sibling was overwhelming. I was surprised by how affected I have become by this journey. Yes, we already have a toddler. But unfortunately we still have a strong desire to have another child, and a dwindling bank account and will power by which to achieve this. It felt like we were nearing the end of the road.

And so I've been grieving, and despairing. I know in my heart that if we are truly not able to have another child that I will somehow have to accept it. But we have room for another child. We have space in our hearts for another child. Ask any mother of more than one child, and they will tell you how much they love all of their children.

So i've been talking to some people - very selective people. My friends IRL don't really understand as they haven't walked in my shoes. I explain that IVF didn't work and I feel sad, but I don't say more than that. I know they couldn't understand the feelings of failed IVF cycles.

Then there are a few people IRL who have been through IVF. One in particular had a really tough time but is now having her third IVF baby. She urges me not to give up. She messages me daily telling me not to give up. Other family members are equally as supportive - and give me consistent messages of love, support, and hope.

Then there's the one person who hears the worst parts of this situation - my Mom. I talk to my Mom openly and honestly about how I feel. I cry on the phone to her. I pour out my heart to her. I admit my bitterness and anger about my situation. I tell her about my feelings of depression and desperation. We talk about my perfectionistic personality, and how I don't manage "failure" and stress very well. I admit that I feel like a failure.

Mom and I talk about the situation. And she encourages me to keep going. She says to me "I only have one Grandchild, and we would love another one. We'll support you sweetie, any way you need it. Keep going - I think you can have another one if you keep trying." Later that day she turns up on my doorstep and leaves an unexpected $5000 to put towards the next cycle. It's money that she's earnt through her job and she wants us to have it.

So, I have incredible support behind me. I have the support of DH, my family, my friends, my boss and my RE.

Yes, we've had a few hurdles along the way. We're passing into uncharted territory. But I have to remember - all of those failed cycles are now in the past. They're history. I'm armed with the financial and emotional strength I need to continue on the journey. I have to keep going. So i'll stumble forward from here....hoping for something good to come out of all of this.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Beta is in

And it's another BFN......

This is our third failed IVF cycle now. I feel so sad about this outcome, as I never thought it would be this difficult for us to have another baby.

I'm starting to worry that DD was a one off miracle, never to be repeated.

Anyway, regardless of our sad feelings and sense of disappointment, we've decided to go ahead with another FET cycle next month. It's our last remaining embryo.

God, I hate this.....