Where I'm at

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote. Things have been pretty crazy in my life lately.

On the trying to conceive front.....I went to see the RE and she suspects that I may have endometriosis. She doesn't necessarily think it would stop an embryo from implanting, but it may. She gave me the option of having another FET to see if it works, or going to see a specialist endometriosis surgeon. I decided to book in and see the surgeon and i'm seeing him next week. I don't want to go ahead with an FET and waste our last embryo if endometriosis is a problem. I'd prefer to have a laparoscopy, have it removed and then proceed with more IVF.

So, we've been on a bit of a "forced break" from IVF while waiting for the appointment with the surgeon. It's been a good thing to have a break. It's difficult to fit in socially as many of my friends have now had second or third babies, and I feel different. But i'm determined that I won't let infertility ruin my friendships. So on "good days" I'll invite my friends and their newborns over and we'll have a great time. On "bad days" I avoid them and hang out with my other friends without newborns or pregnancies (so I don't have to think about it). I'm lucky to have a wide range of friends which helps a LOT.

On a personal note my Grandfather just passed away. He's been sick for a long time. It's been emotionally draining to spend so much time at the hospital with him while he was sick. DH and I were fighting from the stress of failed IVF combined with wanting to be at the hospital all the time. As soon as he passed away we felt a sense of great sadness but relief that he's no longer suffering. So the past few weeks have been about mourning his life, sorting his possessions and coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer around.

My friends have been wonderful - I think they feel a bit sorry for me with the failed IVF attempts and my Grandfather dying. I've received gifts and cards from friends, and I really appreciate it. I don't feel like I deserve them but I appreciate them.

I try not to think about the future at the moment. It's too depressing to think we may not have another child. I just try to enjoy the day, and enjoy being with DD and my husband and family. It helps a lot to not worry about the future.

So next step - meet with the surgeon next week. Book in laparoscopy for sometime hopefully soon. Have endometriosis dealt with. Proceed with further IVF. If it doesn't work, I'm going to ask the RE to put me on immune therapy (she has been reluctant to do so). If that doesn't work, then we're out of answers and it's the end of the road. I'm trying not to think like that - just taking each day as it comes.

I'll update again after seeing the surgeon next week.

Thanks for reading this little blog!