Hi there,
Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I've been having trouble logging into Blogger and so it's been a while since I updated.
We have just finished our fifth IVF cycle. The cycle started out pretty well - we had 9 mature eggs retrieved (the most ever) and we had 5 good looking embryos on Day 3. We pushed it out to a Day 5 blast transfer and I went in expecting a few decent embryos based on the good Day 3 report.
I was shocked the embryologist told us just one of the five embryos made it from day 3 to day 5. I was so overwhelmed at the thought of having to do another stimulated cycle if this one didn't work, I burst into tears before the embryo transfer. In fact, I cried my way through the entire procedure even though I was doing everything I could to keep it together.
The RE reassured me that my distress wouldn't affect the outcome of the cycle...but it wasn't great. You want to go into a transfer feeling calm and happy, not crying your eyes out with distress.
After the transfer I opted not to lie down alone (I knew I would just cry more), so I went shopping instead. And I phoned my Mom from the shops and cried some more (in public!) So it wasn't a great day.
The day after the transfer I got a surprise call from the clinic. Two additional embryos had made it to blast on Day 6. It was such a relief to have two frozen embryos that I immediately relaxed and felt much better about everything.
A week after the embryo transfer I had no symptoms. I am the sort of person that can feel if I'm pregnant or not. I don't need to POAS - in fact, I try to avoid them. I felt my two last chemcial pregnancies, and it was so disappointing to feel the pregnancy symptoms come and then go three days later.
So again, I was upset when I had no symptoms a week after transfer. I called Mom from work (again in tears) telling her that I didn't think it had worked. It felt like a BFN cycle.
Strangely that afternoon at work I started to feel nauseas. It continued throughout the afternoon and I felt so elated. The symptoms then continued for the remaining two days - reassuring pregnancy symptoms.
Now, I had no idea whether or not I was pregnant. But it was nice to have a few days of believing that I could be pregnant. It was like living in a fantasy land, and I didn't want to have my beta taken.
I went in the day of the beta to have my test. I was so nervous waiting for the result. The nurse called an hour later than she was supposed to - apparently the results were slow coming in. She sounded normal on the phone - almost a bit flat. I thought it was a BFN or chemical again. Then she said "I have some really nice news for you." The beta came back at 175 which is a day earlier than they normally draw blood due to the weekend. So she was happy with that number, and so were we.
Since then I've been in complete and utter shock. The symptoms have continued and I certainly feel more pregnant now.
After five IVF cycles it's difficult to get too elated. I know that too many things can go wrong and I can't get too excited just yet. But a BFP is a great step forward.
I feel so happy and blessed. I think we may be having a new member of the family join us in 2013. How incredible!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
New IVF cycle underway
Sorry it's been so long since I've written.
When I last posted it was just after our last BFN. I was a bit of a mess. Upset, tearful, distressed, convinced we were at the end of the road.
In the month or so since then I've been doing some healing. I gave myself permission to avoid difficult and unhelpful people, and have surrounded myself with great friends and family. I've been cooking with DH and have just been having fun with the family.
We've decided to do one more stimulated cycle with our current RE. I started stims yesterday so the retrieval probably won't be for another 2 weeks.
I haven't been focussing too much on outcomes this cycle. I realize that the outcome of an IVF cycle is pretty much outside of my control anyway. Instead I've been focussing on the process, or the journey. And trying to make each day as happy and rewarding as it can be. Whether or not we achieve a BFP isn't really on my radar right now (i'm sure as we progress it will be more and more).
I also have a backup plan if this doesn't work. I guess i'm not really expecting a great result based on all our failure to date. But I'm planning on consulting with a great RE interstate if this last cycle doesn't work. I'm seeing him in one month (which will be helpful if we don't get a BFP this cycle).
All in all I'm in a good place. Happy, healthy and trying to enjoy things as much as I can. I'll keep you updated with how this IVF cycle progresses!
When I last posted it was just after our last BFN. I was a bit of a mess. Upset, tearful, distressed, convinced we were at the end of the road.
In the month or so since then I've been doing some healing. I gave myself permission to avoid difficult and unhelpful people, and have surrounded myself with great friends and family. I've been cooking with DH and have just been having fun with the family.
We've decided to do one more stimulated cycle with our current RE. I started stims yesterday so the retrieval probably won't be for another 2 weeks.
I haven't been focussing too much on outcomes this cycle. I realize that the outcome of an IVF cycle is pretty much outside of my control anyway. Instead I've been focussing on the process, or the journey. And trying to make each day as happy and rewarding as it can be. Whether or not we achieve a BFP isn't really on my radar right now (i'm sure as we progress it will be more and more).
I also have a backup plan if this doesn't work. I guess i'm not really expecting a great result based on all our failure to date. But I'm planning on consulting with a great RE interstate if this last cycle doesn't work. I'm seeing him in one month (which will be helpful if we don't get a BFP this cycle).
All in all I'm in a good place. Happy, healthy and trying to enjoy things as much as I can. I'll keep you updated with how this IVF cycle progresses!
Friday, July 13, 2012
Pain
Right now I'm feeling the pain of infertility so greatly.
I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility. I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle. I've had many losses and failures along the way. They all hurt, and I hurt now.
There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction. We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.
But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again.
Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it.
It comes on at unexpected times. It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child. It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends. It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive. It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn. I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough. It just hurts.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life. It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending. It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.
But I also have so much joy from my family. So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain. Happiness miexed with sorrow. A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life. That things don't always turn out the way we plan. That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach.
We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle. I need to try to muster some hope for it. It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain. It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure. Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer. The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing. But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again.
I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility. I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle. I've had many losses and failures along the way. They all hurt, and I hurt now.
There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction. We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.
But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again.
Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it.
It comes on at unexpected times. It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child. It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends. It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive. It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn. I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough. It just hurts.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life. It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending. It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.
But I also have so much joy from my family. So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain. Happiness miexed with sorrow. A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life. That things don't always turn out the way we plan. That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach.
We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle. I need to try to muster some hope for it. It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain. It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure. Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer. The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing. But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
FET outcome
We had the frozen embryo transfer just over two weeks ago. I started having pregnancy symptoms about 5 days post transfer. Unfortunately on the morning of the beta test the symptoms went away again. I knew it was another chemical pregnancy.
It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12. Two days later it was 9.
I felt pretty devestated after the results. I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed. It seems that we may never have another child.
I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope. She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings. It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off.
We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle. The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos.
After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through. I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are. And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.
The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating. She urges us to keep going. She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.
To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic. Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.
It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12. Two days later it was 9.
I felt pretty devestated after the results. I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed. It seems that we may never have another child.
I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope. She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings. It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off.
We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle. The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos.
After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through. I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are. And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.
The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating. She urges us to keep going. She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.
To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic. Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
FET complete
Today we had the frozen embryo transfer of our last little embryo.
I am feeling pretty good about everything at the moment. I have gained a bit of "zen" over the last few months. I'm feeling more positive about this cycle following the surgery two months ago.
Of interest, several of the IVF nurses asked me today if we would stop treatment if this one didn't work. I told them that we'd take a break for a month or two, then do one final stimulated cycle in about August/September. I really hope it doesn't come down to that!
Beta is next Thursday. I'm not going to test from home this time. I did that last cycle and the negative home tests were so distressing. I didn't know if it was a true negative, or whether it was just too early to test (turned out it was a true negative).
Anyway - I'm just trying to enjoy the moment and give this little embryo a chance.
I am feeling pretty good about everything at the moment. I have gained a bit of "zen" over the last few months. I'm feeling more positive about this cycle following the surgery two months ago.
Of interest, several of the IVF nurses asked me today if we would stop treatment if this one didn't work. I told them that we'd take a break for a month or two, then do one final stimulated cycle in about August/September. I really hope it doesn't come down to that!
Beta is next Thursday. I'm not going to test from home this time. I did that last cycle and the negative home tests were so distressing. I didn't know if it was a true negative, or whether it was just too early to test (turned out it was a true negative).
Anyway - I'm just trying to enjoy the moment and give this little embryo a chance.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Our IVF Plan
After the laparoscopy findings last week (where a large nodule was removed), our friends have been thrilled that we've finally located the source of our infertility. Now our family and friends tell us "you guys can probably conceive naturally now! Just relax and have some fun."
These words made me shudder. It reminds me of the years 2007-2009 when I was convinced we had a fertility problem but Doctors, family and friends tried to tell us "it would happen." Clearly, it wouldn't happen as we had many infertility issues to overcome.
I don't want to get my hopes up that we will conceive at all, let alone naturally. During our first IVF attempt, NONE of our eight eggs fertilized naturally. We obviously have some sort of problem in the fertilization department (likely DNA fragmentation) that is overcome by PICSI during the IVF process. But this problem is likely to impede or significantly slow down the chances of a natural conception. I estimate we may have a 10% chance of natural conception now if we tried for a year. Not good odds.
So I want to keep going with IVF. IVF gives us our best chance. But it's expensive. Very expensive. And it's been causing problems in the family.
DH's parents don't want us to continue IVF. They think it won't work and it's a waste of money. Their attitude upsets me, as I don't think it's any of their business how we spend our money.
My parents are the opposite. They see how much I want a baby, and they're willing to help financially.
So, now we just have to decide what to do. IVF? Try naturally? Give up?
It feels that we've come too far to give up now. It feels so CLOSE to a baby. We can make good embryos. We just need the right embryo. And now my endometriosis has been resolved, it should help our chances.
So DH and I have agreed to a plan. It's basically easier for me to have a "plan" for the year that we can follow, rather than trying to make decisions based on raw emotions (particularly following a BFN).
So, this is our plan.
May - Healing from laparoscopy and internal stitches.
June - Transfer last frozen embryo. If negative......
July - One month break to "try naturally." (I can tell this to the in-laws if they ask me...I can say "we're not doing IVF right away. We're trying naturally" even though it's only for one month).
August - Stimulated IVF cycle. This would be our 5th IVF cycle, so I can't imagine what will happen if this doesn't work.
God, I hope it works!
These words made me shudder. It reminds me of the years 2007-2009 when I was convinced we had a fertility problem but Doctors, family and friends tried to tell us "it would happen." Clearly, it wouldn't happen as we had many infertility issues to overcome.
I don't want to get my hopes up that we will conceive at all, let alone naturally. During our first IVF attempt, NONE of our eight eggs fertilized naturally. We obviously have some sort of problem in the fertilization department (likely DNA fragmentation) that is overcome by PICSI during the IVF process. But this problem is likely to impede or significantly slow down the chances of a natural conception. I estimate we may have a 10% chance of natural conception now if we tried for a year. Not good odds.
So I want to keep going with IVF. IVF gives us our best chance. But it's expensive. Very expensive. And it's been causing problems in the family.
DH's parents don't want us to continue IVF. They think it won't work and it's a waste of money. Their attitude upsets me, as I don't think it's any of their business how we spend our money.
My parents are the opposite. They see how much I want a baby, and they're willing to help financially.
So, now we just have to decide what to do. IVF? Try naturally? Give up?
It feels that we've come too far to give up now. It feels so CLOSE to a baby. We can make good embryos. We just need the right embryo. And now my endometriosis has been resolved, it should help our chances.
So DH and I have agreed to a plan. It's basically easier for me to have a "plan" for the year that we can follow, rather than trying to make decisions based on raw emotions (particularly following a BFN).
So, this is our plan.
May - Healing from laparoscopy and internal stitches.
June - Transfer last frozen embryo. If negative......
July - One month break to "try naturally." (I can tell this to the in-laws if they ask me...I can say "we're not doing IVF right away. We're trying naturally" even though it's only for one month).
August - Stimulated IVF cycle. This would be our 5th IVF cycle, so I can't imagine what will happen if this doesn't work.
God, I hope it works!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Momentum
Finally after months of feeling that things were "on hold" in the fertility department it's wonderful to have some momentum.
After the laparoscopy this week, I've been mentally thinking of anything we can do to move forward from here.
I've made appointments with my RE and the surgeon to ask some follow up questions.
I've been researching fertility supplements for DH to improve his sperm fragmentation issues. If there's a small chance the surgeon thinks we can conceive naturally (even if I don't quite believe him) I want to do everything we can to improve our chances of conception or future IVF.
I've just found some very expensive male supplements that I've ordered online. DH and I discussed it before buying them. We agreed that we don't want to have any regrets - no stone left unturned. Whether we are successful with a pregnancy or not, we want to do everything in our power to make it happen. So the supplements are en route as I speak (I dread to even look at our credit card balance these days!)
So then next steps:
1. Meet with the RE in May to discuss findings of laparoscopy.
2. Meet with surgeon in early June for post-operative review, review of natural killer cells test, and recommendations for further IVF.
3. June - FET using our last frozen embryo.
I'm not sure what we'll do if the last embryo doesn't work. I guess we'll do another IVF cycle if the RE thinks it's worthwhile. One step at a time though.
I"m feeling good mentally - finally I can see some light..
After the laparoscopy this week, I've been mentally thinking of anything we can do to move forward from here.
I've made appointments with my RE and the surgeon to ask some follow up questions.
I've been researching fertility supplements for DH to improve his sperm fragmentation issues. If there's a small chance the surgeon thinks we can conceive naturally (even if I don't quite believe him) I want to do everything we can to improve our chances of conception or future IVF.
I've just found some very expensive male supplements that I've ordered online. DH and I discussed it before buying them. We agreed that we don't want to have any regrets - no stone left unturned. Whether we are successful with a pregnancy or not, we want to do everything in our power to make it happen. So the supplements are en route as I speak (I dread to even look at our credit card balance these days!)
So then next steps:
1. Meet with the RE in May to discuss findings of laparoscopy.
2. Meet with surgeon in early June for post-operative review, review of natural killer cells test, and recommendations for further IVF.
3. June - FET using our last frozen embryo.
I'm not sure what we'll do if the last embryo doesn't work. I guess we'll do another IVF cycle if the RE thinks it's worthwhile. One step at a time though.
I"m feeling good mentally - finally I can see some light..
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