My husband is still away for work, but he gets home on Friday. I've had a few curve balls thrown at me while he's been away. Baby girl and I both got sick twice. And today I had a wild bird in the house! It was chaos - flying around everywhere trying to look for a way out. Getting animals that shouldn't be in the house out is my husband's job. But seeing as he wasn't there to handle it I had to do it. And I'm proud that I've coped well while he's been gone. All of these little challenges have given me confidence to know that somehow I'll cope while he's away. It's also given me confidence to know that I'll cope if I'm pregnant and if I'm not pregnant while he's away. I've been talking to a good friend of mine. She has two children through IVF and she is so keen to have one more. She told me that if she was able to conceive naturally they would probably have had three children just as she wanted. But now she has to go through another round of IVF to have another baby and it's just so hard. As we all know, there is such a financial and emotional cost of IVF. She also said that people have made her feel greedy for wanting another child. Their rationale is that surely after two IVF babies, you can be happy with your lot? Why be greedy and go for a third IVF baby? It got me thinking about babies and how many babies I would have had, could have had, should have had without infertility in the picture. If I didn't have infertility, I would probably have had 3 children (and the eldest would have been about 5 years old by now). But I do have infertility and I'm so thankful I have a beautiful one year old miracle. But how many babies could I go for using IVF? I don't know. Right now I'm happy to go for number 2. If I'm lucky enough to have a number 2, DH and I would contemplate going for number 3 (maybe). It got me thinking that we just don't know what the future holds for any of us. So the best thing we can do is be thankful for what we have today, rather than constantly striving for what we don't have. Today I have a beautiful one year old baby girl. She's such a joy, and a miracle. If I can have a sibling to add to the family I will be thrilled.

3 Months to FET

It's three months to go until the FET. I feel really good about it at the moment. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins but apart from that there's not much I can do.

I've noticed some of the horrible infertility feelings resurfacing from time to time. Sometimes I feel incredibly jealous of my friends who conceive so easily. But I think those feelings go hand in hand with wanting another baby and having to go through infertility treatment.

DH is away for work for 3 weeks. It's been a big test for me. Can I cope without him? Too bad if I can't, because I'm going to have to learn to for the 6 months he's away.

So far I think I'm coping pretty well. There are times when I feel desperately lonely and isolated. But on the whole I have a good support network which makes a massive difference.

I don't know what the future holds, and I don't know if IVF will work. But somehow I know it will all be OK.

Putting things in perspective

I was so surprised to read my last blog entry and see two comments from my old bloggy friends Sue and Lisa. Thanks so much guys - you are awesome.

It's funny how much can happen in a week that puts things in perspective.

My pregnant friend had a miscarriage, so I've spent a lot of the week in contact with her. She is holding up really well despite the awfulness of what she's going through.

My best friend is currently living and working in Tokyo. After the earthquake and tsunami last week, she has been going through hell. It really puts things in perspective.

My other friend is having a lot of trouble TTC # 2 and envies ME that I have 2 frozen embies to try. That's a first - someone envying MY fertility (or lack of)!

And funnily enough, my two other friends who decided to try for #3 have both decided that they're not going to try for another baby now. Apparently 2 kids are more than enough.

DH and I decided that we'll try one FET in June. If it works I'll be due 6 weeks after he gets home. If it doesn't work, I'll have a break for a few months and will try the second FET in September.

I feel really good about this plan. IVF is on the radar, but it's not until June so I can have some breathing space.

In other news, DH and I planned a really romantic night last night as he is off to Washington for work for 2 weeks today. Just as we were in the middle of enjoying our night (if you get what I mean), we heard some strange sounds coming through the baby monitor. I leaped out of bed to check on her and she had puked all over the place. The poor little thing! She puked and puked all night. I had to bath her twice in the night, and change her clothes 5 times. DH and I hardly got any sleep and we were exhausted and felt filthy this morning when he left. So much for a romantic send off!

The Panic and the Calm

The last few days I've been feeling a bit panicky.

The thought of DH's deployment looming is a bit scary.

The prospect of going through IVF is even more scary. And the combination of the two of them together? Terrifying.

I know I have a lot of fear in my heart. I'm scared of how I'll cope when DH is away. I'm scared of how I'll cope when I go through IVF (whenver that may be). I'm scared about how I'll cope if I'm not able to get pregnant and I'm scared of how I'd cope being pregnant alone.

There are a lot of scary unknowns for me this year.

I think I just need to focus on what my values are, and when the right time is for me to do IVF. Then I can manage the fear and anxiety. I want values to rule my life, not fear.

After my panicky few days I've been feeling pretty calm. Life with a one-year-old is busy and fun. I get swept away with life and forget all about IVF. And it's good.

Back at the IVF Clinic with Updated Plan

Things have been kind of interesting around here lately.
I've had babies, babies, babies on my mind (and whether or not I can have another baby!)
So many of my good friends are trying for babies at the moment, and two friends have started to try for baby number 3 (lucky things).
So naturally I've been swept up in all the baby talk.
And I've been feeling a bit anxious about starting IVF, and I started to wonder whether I should do IVF sooner than I'd planned.
Thankfully, I spoke to my Mom who gave me a good reality check last night. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Mom, I know that I planned that we would wait a while before doing IVF again. I know that makes sense and will fit in better with our life plans. But all my friends are trying to fall pregnant right now, and it won't be long before all the pregnancy announcements are made. I'm already feeling panicky and anxious about IVF. So I'm thinking maybe I should just do it sooner than I planned."

Mom: "But I thought you decided to wait a little while. You had really sensible reasons for waiting. You wanted to focus on spending time with your daughter and DH before he goes on his deployment. And we are going to have a family holiday in August (the month he leaves). Why are you thinking about doing IVF now?"

Me: "Because all my friends will be pregnant soon and I won't be able to cope. I just want to get IVF over and done with."

Mom: " Do you think that's really a good reason? Your DD has only just turned one. You shouldn't do IVF just because all your friends are getting pregnant. You should do it because it's right for you.'

Me: " I know you're right Mom. But nothing is logical or reasonable with IVF. Emotions take over and sweep aside rationality."

So, then I decided to discuss it with DH. DH is getting slightly irritable with my indecisiveness. He just wants me to hurry up with IVF and not stress so much about it.

DH became annoyed when I told him I wanted to wait until later in the year. I couldn't figure out why this would annoy him. It turns out that he thinks he has a good chance of getting a great posting next year. If he gets the posting, we would be leaving in October. If I do fall pregnant at the end of the year, it would be too late to get this posting. And boy, he really wants to do this family posting.

After this discussion I felt conflicted. Do I rush into IVF like DH wants? If it is successful, then I would experience the whole pregnancy alone. DH may even miss the delivery. At best, he would come home and have a newborn. It's alot to adjust to.

But do I wait a while like Mom suggested? Do I see DH off on his deployment and then do the FET once I feel OK? What about the posting next year (if we get it?)

And what do I want in all of this? I need to make the decision for goodness sake!!

So after seeking Mom's opinion and DH's opinion, I sat down with a piece of paper. Instead of figuring out when IVF would suit me, I went backwards. When would the arrival of a newborn suit us as a family?

If DH gets home in mid-Feb 2012, then the birth of a baby in May/June sounds perfect. It would give us enough time to adjust to being together again. It would allow us time to decorate a new nursery together, or to make plans for the October posting.

So that means that the IVF cycle could start in September.

This is a good plan because:

• I can enjoy a few drinks with DH before he leaves for his deployment. We dont' have to stress about IVF. We can focus on our little family, and having fun together.
• I can adjust to DH being gone before worrying about IVF.
• I can go on the holiday with my family after DH goes.
• I can then do the FET in September when I get back from the holiday.
• If all goes to plan, I will only be 5 months pregnant when DH gets home. I can still run around after DD and won't be too big.
• I can focus on enjoying having DH home before the baby arrives. DH can be involved in the pregnancy.
• DH and I can organise the space for the new baby, and buy baby gear together.
• If the FET doesn't work and I need to do more IVF cycles, I can do another cycle when DH is home for his mid-deployment break.

So - that's the plan for now.

I feel so exhausted with all this stressing and planning!

Only 6 months to go until the FET. Enough time to relax and have fun with my little family but not too long to wait!!