When to do the FET?

After the meeting with the RE, I've been feeling optimistic about our chances of having another baby. DH and I have been planning the FET for May. The plan is that we can do FET(s) one embryo at a time, in May and June. If they're not successful we can do a fresh cycle in July before he leaves for 6 months in August. Then I can push on with futher treatment while he is away if necessary. Basically I have the attitude that I will just keep going with IVF until (hopefully) it works.

But knowing that DH is going away for 6 months has been really hard. In a way I have already started to grieve his absense. It has put a bit of pressure on our relationship, and we're having to work hard at making time for ourselves as a couple. I'm really starting to wonder if starting the IVF process just before he goes away is really the best option. I'm only 32 years old. The Doctor doesn't think there is only problem delaying it until DH gets home if I want to do that.

I've started to think about the various scenarios.

Scenario One.
I fall pregnant in May/June or July.
DH then leaves for 6 months.
No doubt it will be very hard to have him away.
If I feel sick or tired it will be hard to look after my little girl.
I won't be able to do some of the things I currently do with my little girl, like lug her around on my back.
I probably won't enjoy the pregnancy as much as DH wouldn't be there to share it with me.
When DH returns we would be right into having the second baby. It will be a baptism of fire for him to come home and have a second baby right away. There would be no settling in period for us both.

So they're all the negatives. The positives are that of course I would be thrilled to be pregnant again.

Scenario Two.
We do FETs in May and June and they don't work. I then do a fresh cycle in July just before DH goes. I can imagine that my stress levels would be through the roof as IVF cycles and Deployments are not very compatible.
The worst thing would be that if it doesn't work, I would feel incredibly scared that it won't work for us. And i'd be on my own for 6 months with that fear.

Scenario Three.
I delay the FETs.
I can spend time chasing around after my little monkey while DH is away.
I can enjoy a glass of wine while DH is away.
If I decide that I want to try while DH is away, I can always go through a FET or two.
But otherwise I can just wait for him to get home.
I think this would be the least stressful option. Financially it would be better as it would give us a chance to save more for the IVF.
I think if I did fall pregnant when DH returned it would be a nice age gap between kids (2.75 years).
I think I would enjoy the pregnancy a lot more.
And if the FETs didn't work, I could do a fresh cycle pretty well.

After typing all this out, I think it's a no brainer. I've decided that I'm going to delay the FETs.

Review with the RE

DH and I met with the RE on Monday. It's been 2 years since we were last in that office.

I remember 2 years ago that the RE had been cautious about our chances of having a baby. This time, she seemed much more optimistic. She told us that because we already had one successful IVF cycle and pregnancy, she sees no reason why we can't replicate it.

There was some interesting news that came out of the meeting. Through my last IVF cycles, there seemed to be a problem with egg quality. I was lead to believe that I had "bad eggs" which made me feel that we were running out of time to try for another baby.

At the review the RE explained that my eggs have been immature, but that doesn't mean they are bad. Instead of my "bad eggs" being the cause of our infertility (as I had always believed), she thinks my ovarian reserve is excellent. Instead, she thinks that DH"s sperm is the problem. His sample appears to have a high percentage of fractured DNA sperm which places his fertility in the "very poor" range. Additionally, in our first IVF cycle, when my eggs were placed next to his sperm, they didn't fertilize. So regardless, the egg and sperm connection just doesn't work for us.

We left the office feeling really optimistic. We're set for a FET in May. If that's not successful we'll do another in June, then a fresh stimulated cycle in July (in time for DH to leave in August).

So, that's the plan.

But sometimes I look at my busy little one-year-old and wonder if i'm ready to go through IVF again. And if i'm ready to be pregnant without DH to help. I'm sure everyone has the same pre-IVF jitters at times.

Meeting with the RE

Next Monday, DH and I will be meeting with our RE.

I'm nervous about this, as I haven't seen our RE for almost 2 years. I'm also excited that it could be the beginning of the journey to another baby. But I'm also scared that it could result in a lot of tears and nothing to show.

We're planning on doing a FET in May. If that doesn't work, we'll do another FET in June followed by a fresh cycle in July. Then my husband will leave for 6 months.

I've caught myself falling into the old traps again - of being envious of my friends who can conceive so easily. From my high school friends, most of them are currently pregnant or have had a baby recently. To my knowledge, they all fell pregnant very quickly. It's hard for them to understand the journey I"ve been on to have my child (and hopefully children).

This time around, IVF seems just as scary as the first time. And although the stakes are still high (and my heart really desires a sibling for my daughter), I don't feel the same sense of desperation that I felt last time. I don't feel the same overwhelming fear that I might never be a mother. And if we don't suceed with IVF I will still be heartbroken. But I will try to live a life in which my heart's desires are filled by being a mother to my beautiful daughter.