Intense

I'm sorry for being away for so long.  It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy is flying by.  I want to slow down and enjoy it.  It's been a really intensely difficult month or two which has been difficult to enjoy.

DH has been away for work for the last 5 weeks.  Throughout this time I feel like i've been thrown some real challenges I've had to deal with on my own. 

Firstly, DD often disobeys me to get my attention, and has developed intense tantrums.  It's been very difficult to manage her especially when I'm out of the house (it's a struggle to carry her kicking and screaming now that I'm quite pregnant).  Sometimes the tantrums last up to one hour.  She also hates it when any other children come over for playdates.  I think she's feeling territorial about the new baby arriving.  I understand that, but it's been tough managing it.  She is also disobedient, and won't eat.  She demands milk all the time and when I say no to her it sets off another intense tantrum. Thankfully these seem to be settling down a bit now, and I think i'm better equipped to manage.  I love DD to bits, but man, toddlers can be DIFFICULT!!!

Secondly, I haven't been well physically.  All is well with the pregnancy (thankfully).  But I'm quite big and uncomfortable now.  I also developed gastro recently and have been up all night for the last few nights.  It's really hard to then get up to a toddler at 5.30am each morning when my stomach is cramping and i'm exhausted!

Thirdly, the dog has become sick and has been up at night whining.  It hasn't helped my lack of sleep!  I got him into the vet's today and he has been given some medication which should help, but he is going to need three more visits to the vets (he's a huge dog who gets very excited and it's difficult to control him on my own!)  Where is DH when I need him!

Finally, I've had problems with the in-laws.  Big problems.  The in-laws are
good people.  They have big hearts.  But they are difficult.  They moved to live close to us, and my father in law is very controlling and dominating.  He was in the Army and is used to bossing people around. To top it off he is now retired and are bored.  They come over ALL THE TIME and also phone and email a lot.  If I don't respond immediately, my father in law just keeps phoning and emailing, and eventually starts to send short, nasty messages until I get back to him.

With DH away and me struggling to manage on my own with pregnancy and toddler, the in-laws have been trying to help.  But they're not helpful.  They are very judgemental of my parenting and home keeping. They do TRY to help, but the things they do are not helpful to me.  I don't know many Moms who want their father in law to phone them 5 times before 9am to ask how the toddler slept the night before!!!  They think it's "help" but I find it "hassle".

I had one particularly bad night last week.  I was caring for a friend's toddler overnight while she was rushed to hospital to have her beautiful baby.  My father in law was phoning while I was trying to get the excited and unsettled kids to bed.  I didn't answer the phone but shortly afterwards DH phoned.  I said "can you please call your Father and tell him I appreciate his help, but I can't keep up the intense amount of communication from him.  I can see that he's been trying to call tonight, but I need a break.  Tell him I'll call him over the weekend."

Well....That started WW3.  Apparently the in-laws told DH they were phoning on that occasion to offer to vacuum the house.  It was very sweet as they never do housework for me, but I had already cleaned the house.  They now feel unappreciated by me.  They say they help me out a lot and that I am very ungrateful.  They also made a few mean comments about my parenting (how I'm not strict enough, lol!)  and how I shouldn't give our toddler too much attention.  They're also now threatening to move overseas because I've upset them so much.  Basically, they've now withdrawn and won't speak to me.

Sigh.

From all of this there are some positives that have come out of it all.

Firstly, I'm managing pretty well despite all the challenges.  Yes it's been really tough physically and emotionally lately.  But I've got an awesome support network of other Moms who have really helped me.  And I've also been able to draw on an inner strength I didn't know I had.

Secondly, it's made me appreciate what I need to survive.  Friends. A good book.  Yoga.  Healthy food.  Supportive family (on my side!)  Oh, and internet shopping!

Anyway - I'm now hitting the 30 week pregnancy mark.  There is still no nursery as I need DH to move out all the heavy furniture and books in there so we can set it up. 

Normally I'd like to be all organised by this point.  But I'm learning to let go.  DH will be home soon and he can do it when he gets around to it.  I'm sure the nursery will be done before the baby comes.  And if not, it will make a good paternity leave project for DH!

And as for the in-laws, I sent them a nice email thanking them for something they gave DD.  I haven't heard back.  But the ball is in their court now.  I'm going to leave it now and enjoy some peace and quiet until DH is back.  Then he can speak with them again. 

I guess all these challenges are part of being a mother and a family! I just hope things settle down in these final weeks of pregnancy so I can enjoy this experience.  Life hasn't been at all enjoyable of late. 

Emotional

We found out we're having another little girl!  I'm so so so amazed by this news.  Two little girls is more than I can comprehend.  I feel so undeserving of this prize. 

My husband was hoping for a boy.  He is a real "guys guy" with two brothers and five nephews.  When we were first married we always imagined ourselves having little boys.  But we all know life doesn't work out as we planned, and now we are blessed with two girls! 

He would like to try for number three, but I feel I am done now.  The best day was throwing out all of the (now out of date) IVF drugs.  It was an amazing feeling of gratitude to be able to move forward in my life now.

I hope my husband will love having two girls (as much as I think I will).  We have two frozen embryos left, and I guess we could give them a try.  But I don't want to have to go through another stimulated IVF cycle ever again.  I've done 7 IVF cycles over the last 4 years and I'm so pleased to be done now.  Besides, if our beautiful first daughter is anything to go by, two girls will keep us more than occupied for the next 18 years!

I'm feeling much more emotional this time around. I think it's this overwhelming sense of gratitude that I'm almost "on the other side" now.  I know IF will always be a part of me, but I feel so close now to being done with infertility treatments. 

When I was pregnant with DD1, I always knew in the back of my mind we would have to go through more IVF to give her a sibling.  Now I don't have that sense of "fight" left in me.  I am just settling into this feeling of gratitude, thankfulness, relief and just plain happiness. 

The best times are when I'm lying near DH and DD, and I can feel the baby kicking.  It feels like we're finally a complete family.  That all my dreams are so close to coming true.  I am so humbled. 

I'm going to return to this blog more regularly to update how I'm feeling.  It's a precious time and I'd love to savour it. 

Did anyone else feel so emotional during pregnancy?