Right now I'm feeling the pain of infertility so greatly.
I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility. I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle. I've had many losses and failures along the way. They all hurt, and I hurt now.
There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction. We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.
But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again.
Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it.
It comes on at unexpected times. It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child. It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends. It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive. It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn. I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough. It just hurts.
Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life. It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending. It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.
But I also have so much joy from my family. So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain. Happiness miexed with sorrow. A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life. That things don't always turn out the way we plan. That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach.
We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle. I need to try to muster some hope for it. It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain. It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure. Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer. The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing. But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
FET outcome
We had the frozen embryo transfer just over two weeks ago. I started having pregnancy symptoms about 5 days post transfer. Unfortunately on the morning of the beta test the symptoms went away again. I knew it was another chemical pregnancy.
It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12. Two days later it was 9.
I felt pretty devestated after the results. I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed. It seems that we may never have another child.
I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope. She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings. It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off.
We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle. The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos.
After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through. I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are. And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.
The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating. She urges us to keep going. She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.
To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic. Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.
It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12. Two days later it was 9.
I felt pretty devestated after the results. I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed. It seems that we may never have another child.
I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope. She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings. It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off.
We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle. The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos.
After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through. I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are. And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.
The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating. She urges us to keep going. She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.
To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic. Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
FET complete
Today we had the frozen embryo transfer of our last little embryo.
I am feeling pretty good about everything at the moment. I have gained a bit of "zen" over the last few months. I'm feeling more positive about this cycle following the surgery two months ago.
Of interest, several of the IVF nurses asked me today if we would stop treatment if this one didn't work. I told them that we'd take a break for a month or two, then do one final stimulated cycle in about August/September. I really hope it doesn't come down to that!
Beta is next Thursday. I'm not going to test from home this time. I did that last cycle and the negative home tests were so distressing. I didn't know if it was a true negative, or whether it was just too early to test (turned out it was a true negative).
Anyway - I'm just trying to enjoy the moment and give this little embryo a chance.
I am feeling pretty good about everything at the moment. I have gained a bit of "zen" over the last few months. I'm feeling more positive about this cycle following the surgery two months ago.
Of interest, several of the IVF nurses asked me today if we would stop treatment if this one didn't work. I told them that we'd take a break for a month or two, then do one final stimulated cycle in about August/September. I really hope it doesn't come down to that!
Beta is next Thursday. I'm not going to test from home this time. I did that last cycle and the negative home tests were so distressing. I didn't know if it was a true negative, or whether it was just too early to test (turned out it was a true negative).
Anyway - I'm just trying to enjoy the moment and give this little embryo a chance.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Our IVF Plan
After the laparoscopy findings last week (where a large nodule was removed), our friends have been thrilled that we've finally located the source of our infertility. Now our family and friends tell us "you guys can probably conceive naturally now! Just relax and have some fun."
These words made me shudder. It reminds me of the years 2007-2009 when I was convinced we had a fertility problem but Doctors, family and friends tried to tell us "it would happen." Clearly, it wouldn't happen as we had many infertility issues to overcome.
I don't want to get my hopes up that we will conceive at all, let alone naturally. During our first IVF attempt, NONE of our eight eggs fertilized naturally. We obviously have some sort of problem in the fertilization department (likely DNA fragmentation) that is overcome by PICSI during the IVF process. But this problem is likely to impede or significantly slow down the chances of a natural conception. I estimate we may have a 10% chance of natural conception now if we tried for a year. Not good odds.
So I want to keep going with IVF. IVF gives us our best chance. But it's expensive. Very expensive. And it's been causing problems in the family.
DH's parents don't want us to continue IVF. They think it won't work and it's a waste of money. Their attitude upsets me, as I don't think it's any of their business how we spend our money.
My parents are the opposite. They see how much I want a baby, and they're willing to help financially.
So, now we just have to decide what to do. IVF? Try naturally? Give up?
It feels that we've come too far to give up now. It feels so CLOSE to a baby. We can make good embryos. We just need the right embryo. And now my endometriosis has been resolved, it should help our chances.
So DH and I have agreed to a plan. It's basically easier for me to have a "plan" for the year that we can follow, rather than trying to make decisions based on raw emotions (particularly following a BFN).
So, this is our plan.
May - Healing from laparoscopy and internal stitches.
June - Transfer last frozen embryo. If negative......
July - One month break to "try naturally." (I can tell this to the in-laws if they ask me...I can say "we're not doing IVF right away. We're trying naturally" even though it's only for one month).
August - Stimulated IVF cycle. This would be our 5th IVF cycle, so I can't imagine what will happen if this doesn't work.
God, I hope it works!
These words made me shudder. It reminds me of the years 2007-2009 when I was convinced we had a fertility problem but Doctors, family and friends tried to tell us "it would happen." Clearly, it wouldn't happen as we had many infertility issues to overcome.
I don't want to get my hopes up that we will conceive at all, let alone naturally. During our first IVF attempt, NONE of our eight eggs fertilized naturally. We obviously have some sort of problem in the fertilization department (likely DNA fragmentation) that is overcome by PICSI during the IVF process. But this problem is likely to impede or significantly slow down the chances of a natural conception. I estimate we may have a 10% chance of natural conception now if we tried for a year. Not good odds.
So I want to keep going with IVF. IVF gives us our best chance. But it's expensive. Very expensive. And it's been causing problems in the family.
DH's parents don't want us to continue IVF. They think it won't work and it's a waste of money. Their attitude upsets me, as I don't think it's any of their business how we spend our money.
My parents are the opposite. They see how much I want a baby, and they're willing to help financially.
So, now we just have to decide what to do. IVF? Try naturally? Give up?
It feels that we've come too far to give up now. It feels so CLOSE to a baby. We can make good embryos. We just need the right embryo. And now my endometriosis has been resolved, it should help our chances.
So DH and I have agreed to a plan. It's basically easier for me to have a "plan" for the year that we can follow, rather than trying to make decisions based on raw emotions (particularly following a BFN).
So, this is our plan.
May - Healing from laparoscopy and internal stitches.
June - Transfer last frozen embryo. If negative......
July - One month break to "try naturally." (I can tell this to the in-laws if they ask me...I can say "we're not doing IVF right away. We're trying naturally" even though it's only for one month).
August - Stimulated IVF cycle. This would be our 5th IVF cycle, so I can't imagine what will happen if this doesn't work.
God, I hope it works!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Momentum
Finally after months of feeling that things were "on hold" in the fertility department it's wonderful to have some momentum.
After the laparoscopy this week, I've been mentally thinking of anything we can do to move forward from here.
I've made appointments with my RE and the surgeon to ask some follow up questions.
I've been researching fertility supplements for DH to improve his sperm fragmentation issues. If there's a small chance the surgeon thinks we can conceive naturally (even if I don't quite believe him) I want to do everything we can to improve our chances of conception or future IVF.
I've just found some very expensive male supplements that I've ordered online. DH and I discussed it before buying them. We agreed that we don't want to have any regrets - no stone left unturned. Whether we are successful with a pregnancy or not, we want to do everything in our power to make it happen. So the supplements are en route as I speak (I dread to even look at our credit card balance these days!)
So then next steps:
1. Meet with the RE in May to discuss findings of laparoscopy.
2. Meet with surgeon in early June for post-operative review, review of natural killer cells test, and recommendations for further IVF.
3. June - FET using our last frozen embryo.
I'm not sure what we'll do if the last embryo doesn't work. I guess we'll do another IVF cycle if the RE thinks it's worthwhile. One step at a time though.
I"m feeling good mentally - finally I can see some light..
After the laparoscopy this week, I've been mentally thinking of anything we can do to move forward from here.
I've made appointments with my RE and the surgeon to ask some follow up questions.
I've been researching fertility supplements for DH to improve his sperm fragmentation issues. If there's a small chance the surgeon thinks we can conceive naturally (even if I don't quite believe him) I want to do everything we can to improve our chances of conception or future IVF.
I've just found some very expensive male supplements that I've ordered online. DH and I discussed it before buying them. We agreed that we don't want to have any regrets - no stone left unturned. Whether we are successful with a pregnancy or not, we want to do everything in our power to make it happen. So the supplements are en route as I speak (I dread to even look at our credit card balance these days!)
So then next steps:
1. Meet with the RE in May to discuss findings of laparoscopy.
2. Meet with surgeon in early June for post-operative review, review of natural killer cells test, and recommendations for further IVF.
3. June - FET using our last frozen embryo.
I'm not sure what we'll do if the last embryo doesn't work. I guess we'll do another IVF cycle if the RE thinks it's worthwhile. One step at a time though.
I"m feeling good mentally - finally I can see some light..
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Interesting lap findings
I had the laparoscopy this week. My RE wasn't sure if I needed one, but I felt that something wasn't right so I went ahead with it. Boy, am I glad I did.
The surgeon was very surprised by the findings. He removed a very large endometrial nodule (the size of small orange) that was impacting on the uterus and some other internal organs. He was able to remove all of it, and he doesn't think it will grow back again. Most likely I've had it since a teenager, and it's been a significant part of my infertility. It was evidently missed by the previous surgeon who diagnosed moderate endometriosis back in 2008 (how he could have missed a nodule the size of an orange was beyond the comprehension of my current surgeon!)
He seems to think that now the nodule has been removed, we have a good change of conceiving naturally. As thrilling as it was to hear that (and it was very exciting to be told that after years and years of infertility treatments), I haven't taken it to heart. The surgeon doesn't know my DH's sperm issues and high fragmentation rate meaning that it's unlikely we'll fall pregnant naturally. But anyway - it was a lovely thing to hear after waking up from surgery "we've found something significant that's likely been the cause of your infertility - we've removed it and you've got a good chance of conceiving naturally now."
The surgeon also took a biopsy to test for natural killer cells, to see if immune issues may be a problem. It will be good to get these results back too.
The findings from the laparoscopy are significant step forward for us, and explain why the last three IVF cycles haven't felt right (and have been negative). It also gives us hope for moving forward from here.
The next step? I'll go and see my RE in a few weeks after I'm feeling better physically. We'll discuss the surprising results of the laparscopy, and re-evaluate future treatment with this new knowledge (maybe now we're just dealing with male factor issues, rather than my issues too).
Then I'll go back to the surgeon and get the results of the natural killer cell test. He also wants to show me some photos of the surgery. Apparently it was quite something.
I also want to get the surgeon's opinion about moving forward from here. I want to discuss DH's sperm issues with him and get his perspective. Does he REALLY think we can conceive naturally even with DH's issues taken into account? It just doesn't seem possible to me, after dealing with infertility for so many years.
I'm feeling a bit sore now, but very very thankful. I feel I've been lucky. That our unexplained infertility issues are finally coming to light and being resolved. Surely this makes us one step closer to having a baby?
The surgeon was very surprised by the findings. He removed a very large endometrial nodule (the size of small orange) that was impacting on the uterus and some other internal organs. He was able to remove all of it, and he doesn't think it will grow back again. Most likely I've had it since a teenager, and it's been a significant part of my infertility. It was evidently missed by the previous surgeon who diagnosed moderate endometriosis back in 2008 (how he could have missed a nodule the size of an orange was beyond the comprehension of my current surgeon!)
He seems to think that now the nodule has been removed, we have a good change of conceiving naturally. As thrilling as it was to hear that (and it was very exciting to be told that after years and years of infertility treatments), I haven't taken it to heart. The surgeon doesn't know my DH's sperm issues and high fragmentation rate meaning that it's unlikely we'll fall pregnant naturally. But anyway - it was a lovely thing to hear after waking up from surgery "we've found something significant that's likely been the cause of your infertility - we've removed it and you've got a good chance of conceiving naturally now."
The surgeon also took a biopsy to test for natural killer cells, to see if immune issues may be a problem. It will be good to get these results back too.
The findings from the laparoscopy are significant step forward for us, and explain why the last three IVF cycles haven't felt right (and have been negative). It also gives us hope for moving forward from here.
The next step? I'll go and see my RE in a few weeks after I'm feeling better physically. We'll discuss the surprising results of the laparscopy, and re-evaluate future treatment with this new knowledge (maybe now we're just dealing with male factor issues, rather than my issues too).
Then I'll go back to the surgeon and get the results of the natural killer cell test. He also wants to show me some photos of the surgery. Apparently it was quite something.
I also want to get the surgeon's opinion about moving forward from here. I want to discuss DH's sperm issues with him and get his perspective. Does he REALLY think we can conceive naturally even with DH's issues taken into account? It just doesn't seem possible to me, after dealing with infertility for so many years.
I'm feeling a bit sore now, but very very thankful. I feel I've been lucky. That our unexplained infertility issues are finally coming to light and being resolved. Surely this makes us one step closer to having a baby?
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Things aren't quite right
Our infertility journey has been "unfolding" (or rather, dominating) our lives since we came off birth control in 2005.
Back then, we had no idea what lay ahead of us. Being two 26 year old fit, young things, we assumed back then that we'd be able to have as many kids as we wanted when we wanted them.
But things haven't turned out that way for us. Fast forward to 2012, and here we are with one beautiful miracle two-year old, and an unfolding infertility story.
Over the course of the years we haven't known what was "wrong" with us. At first it was unexplained infertility. Then after the first laparoscopy I was diagnosed with endometriosis causing poor quality eggs. Then they thought the problem was overstimulation from the drugs and that I was fine. Then came DH's sperm DNA test which revealed high levels of sperm DNA issues (meaning we'd be unlikely to fall pregnant naturally).
We thought we'd overcome all of those issues when we had our beautiful DD two years ago. We assumed along with our RE that we'd be able to have another child. But here we are almost one year after starting out on our IVF journey to have another child, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.
I've been getting some strange menstrual symptoms. Things just don't seem right in my body. I've been getting loads of spotting for two weeks before my period, and also lots of symptoms in my pelvis. I think it's the endometriosis back again. I'm so thankful to be having this laparoscopy next week to hopefully get rid of it.
Things in our personal lives have also been difficult. DH has been getting tension headaches morning and night. So I've been trying to do everything around the house to lighten the load. It's exhausting. But I'm learning to just do what I can, and let the rest go. The floors are horrible and need a good clean, so I'm going to pay for the cleaners to come in today. We dont' care about the cost today - we're just too tired from everything.
Hopefully things will be better next time I write and the laparoscopy will be over with. Then we can get on with our fourth cycle of IVF trying for another baby. At least we now know what is wrong and it can be fixed. It's just been such a long and expensive road which seems to reveal more problems and no pregnancy.
It seems like we've been enduring infertility for years. Well, it has been years (since 2005). I just want this part of my life over with. No more IVF, surgeries, financial strain caused by ongoing treatments and difficulty coping with my friend's pregnancy announcements. I just want to get on with life and leave this all behind me. It's all been a bit of a nightmare.
Back then, we had no idea what lay ahead of us. Being two 26 year old fit, young things, we assumed back then that we'd be able to have as many kids as we wanted when we wanted them.
But things haven't turned out that way for us. Fast forward to 2012, and here we are with one beautiful miracle two-year old, and an unfolding infertility story.
Over the course of the years we haven't known what was "wrong" with us. At first it was unexplained infertility. Then after the first laparoscopy I was diagnosed with endometriosis causing poor quality eggs. Then they thought the problem was overstimulation from the drugs and that I was fine. Then came DH's sperm DNA test which revealed high levels of sperm DNA issues (meaning we'd be unlikely to fall pregnant naturally).
We thought we'd overcome all of those issues when we had our beautiful DD two years ago. We assumed along with our RE that we'd be able to have another child. But here we are almost one year after starting out on our IVF journey to have another child, and sometimes I wonder if it will ever happen.
I've been getting some strange menstrual symptoms. Things just don't seem right in my body. I've been getting loads of spotting for two weeks before my period, and also lots of symptoms in my pelvis. I think it's the endometriosis back again. I'm so thankful to be having this laparoscopy next week to hopefully get rid of it.
Things in our personal lives have also been difficult. DH has been getting tension headaches morning and night. So I've been trying to do everything around the house to lighten the load. It's exhausting. But I'm learning to just do what I can, and let the rest go. The floors are horrible and need a good clean, so I'm going to pay for the cleaners to come in today. We dont' care about the cost today - we're just too tired from everything.
Hopefully things will be better next time I write and the laparoscopy will be over with. Then we can get on with our fourth cycle of IVF trying for another baby. At least we now know what is wrong and it can be fixed. It's just been such a long and expensive road which seems to reveal more problems and no pregnancy.
It seems like we've been enduring infertility for years. Well, it has been years (since 2005). I just want this part of my life over with. No more IVF, surgeries, financial strain caused by ongoing treatments and difficulty coping with my friend's pregnancy announcements. I just want to get on with life and leave this all behind me. It's all been a bit of a nightmare.
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