Moving forward (again!)

Wow - it's hard to believe it's been almost three months since I last posted.

Since DH left for his deployment in August, I've been pretty occupied looking after our baby girl who is almost two. She is gorgeous and extremely exhausting. It's getting easier now that she's a little older. She can sit for longer periods, and I'm starting her in a preschool two afternoons a week next year. I think she'll enjoy it.

As for me, I'm feeling much better physically. I had some Vit D and low iron deficiencies, but I think I'm ontop of that now. I no longer feel the same sense of exhaustion I did previously.

Mentally I'm doing well...now. The last four months or so have been difficult. We had one frozen embryo left and I decided to give it a go in October. Sadly it failed to thaw, so we have no embryos left to try. I'm a bit sad about this as I was hoping that one of our frozen embies would have worked - but no.

This last year I have felt that my life has been on hold. It's been the metaphoric "winter" of my life. I've just had to wait and wait and wait. Wait for DH to go on deployment and for the deployment to pass. Wait for IVF cycles, and wait some more when they didn't work out. Wait and wait and watch everyone else move forward - have babies, move houses, kick ass in their careers, go traveling etc. I have to admit that I've struggled with this period of inactivity and waiting.

Looking back, this waiting time hasn't been unproductive. I think it's been necessary. DH and I have grown closer together. Our time apart has made us value our little family so much more. We are aware of how special it is to be together, and it's motivated us to be the best parents we can be. We're not perfect, but we're trying.

I've decided to make the move to do a stimulated cycle in January using DH's frozen sperm. He has 24 straws frozen at the clinic so I can proceed with IVF while he is away - so we figured we could at least put them to use! I spoke to the RE yesterday and she's on board with the plan. She'll be repeating the same IVF protocol that I was on in 2009 that resulted in the birth of our daughter. Hopefully we'll have a similar good outcome.

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about 2012. DH gets back from his deployment in February, we have saved enough money to do several IVF cycles (if necessary) and my work isn't too crazy right now. For the first time in a long time I have hope again. I really hope 2012 is our year, and we can add to our little family.

Taking time out

Since my husband left on his deployment a few months ago, I've been coping by keeping busy. In some respects this has really helped me deal with his departure as I've had very little time to think about it. And the time has flown by.

The only problem is that I started to become exhausted. Being a single Mom is a very difficult thing, and I was trying to do it all. Looking after my daughter, doing all of the cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and also working in my job. The busier I got, the harder it has been to wind down and relaxed. I haven't been sleeping well.

I'm not surpised that I have been feeling so exhausted.

So when I went to see the RE last week I was not feeling great. I'd lost more weight and looked pretty skinny. My iron and Vit D levels are low. My energy is low. I have black circles under my eyes etc.

So the RE and I discussed my plans for the upcoming frozen embryo transfer scheduled for November. Then she asked about my overall wellbeing and self-care at the moment. She told me I had lost a bit of weight and asked if I had an eating disorder (thankfully I don't). She asked if I'm eating well (I'm not). She asked about my energy levels. And in the end she pretty much told me she doesn't think I could cope with a pregnancy right now and she wants to wait until progressing with the next IVF cycle.

I felt so Relieved to have this decision made. I really don't want to deal with IVF right now, and I don't think I have enough energy to cope with a pregnancy.

Part of me feels very sad that I've decided to put IVF on hold for a few months. It feels like I waited a LONG time (4 years) to have my daughter, and now I have to wait again to hopefully conceive number 2. But I also know I have to look after myself and my family first before focussing on further IVF.

So now I'm learning to relax and slow down. I'm resting more. Reading more. Staying at home more. Sleeping more. Cooking more. Eating more. And I feel good.

IVF is on hold for now. Not forever, but until I feel ready to give it another go.

Trying to get well

Wow - Since my husband left on his deployment 7 weeks ago, things have been crazy. Life is super busy with an active toddler and only me to care for her.

I am a believer that all things work out for a reason. Part of me is quite relieved that I'm not pregnant right now. I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed at times that I don't think I have the capacity to "give" anything more to anyone (or sustain a pregnancy for that matter).

I went to see the regular Doctor recently and had some blood tests done. The results indicated that I am very Iron deficient and somewhat Vit D deficient (as I always stay out of the sun). I am relieved that there is a physical reason for my exhaustion, and I'm on suppliments and dietary changes to try to rectify this.

I haven't seen my RE in a while. I'm going to see her this week to let her know about the recent blood tests. I also need to figure out when to do the next FET. I am thinking that November would be perfect timing for me, but I need to get more energy first.

I am going to start doing my grocery shopping online, and maybe will get a cleaner in too. Any other ideas for how to reduce the housework?

I'll post again after the appointment with the RE.......

Where I'm At

Things have been much better since the failed FET a few weeks ago.

My husband left on deployment a week ago. I was quite stressed out leading up to his departure, and the day he left was pretty awful too. Now I still miss him terribly, but I'm getting better at sorting out a little routine for my daugther and I and doing lots of fun things together.

Although I would have loved for the FET to work, I realise that it's easier and less stressful for me not to be pregnant and alone right now. My daughter is a very busy lady, and it's taking up all of my energy to look after her. My work has also been busy and I've been enjoying it.

I think I'll try another FET later in the year - maybe Novemeber or December.

Until then I've got some fun things planned. My parents are taking my daughter and I on vacation for two weeks. I've some little interstate trips planned to see some old friends. I'm taking my daughter to swimming and gym classes. And I've got lots of support from family and friends.

So overall I'm happy, and I'm so thankful for my beautiful life. Yes, I'd love to be pregnant again one day. But right now I'm enjoying loving my little girl and spending quality time together.

Beta Day

From days 7 through 10 post transfer, I knew I was pregnant. It is unmistakable to me. I had very clear pregnancy symptoms and a faint positive home pregnancy test.

The night before the beta test I went to bed and when I woke up the pregnancy symptoms had gone. I tried another home pregnancy test and the result was even weaker. I suspected that the embryo had implanted for about 3 days, but then failed to survive beyond that.

On the day of the beta we had hope that I was still pregnant. After all, vanishing pregnancy symptoms and a faint positive pregnancy test are hardly accurate predictors of IVF outcomes. But in our hearts we knew.

The beta came back - 7.

Too low for a viable pregnancy.

I have to go back in for a further blood test to make sure it's not eptopic.

DH and I felt such a sense of sadness over this little embryo. It was to be due on my birthday next year, and we had already discussed names. I feel sad that this little life, that would have been deeply loved, is never going to be.

DH leaves on his deployment in a fortnight. We have so much going on right now. Our stress levels are high. My workload at work is high. We're both feeling depressed and stressed. We know that right now isn't a good time for another IVF cycle.

So I'm going to wait a couple of months and then try again. I'm still hopeful that we will have another baby, but right now just isn't the time for us.

Possible pregnacy symptoms? 8dp5dt

This two week wait has been tough. Tougher than I imagined. There just seems to be so much at stake at the moment. DH is leaving on his deployment in just over two weeks.

Anyway, over the last few days I've been getting some symptoms. At first these symptoms were not good ones - it felt like I was going to get my period.

But those symptoms have been replaced over the last few days with "good" possible pregnancy symptoms.

My skin has deteriorated a bit and I got a big zit! I normally never get zits anymore, but when I was pregnant with my daughter my skin was terrible for the first few months. I think it has something to do with hormone increases.

Secondly, I've been feeling a bit tender in my chest. I haven't felt that since I was pregnant either.

And lastly, I normally get quite a bit of spotting before my period. But I haven't had any spotting at all and my period would be due in the next day or two.

So these symptoms are making me happy. Cause maybe, just maybe there is going to be another member of our family due in March 2012.

PS I may do a home test tomorrow. I'm still scared to do one because if it is positive I'll be worried it's not a true positive (ie a chemical). And if it's negative I'll just feel devastated. So I'm thinking I may just wait for the beta on Saturday and find out for sure.

The waiting game - 4dp5dt

How can it be only 4 days since the transfer? How!?

I had forgotten how slowly time passes on the two week wait. It seems like an eternity until the beta next Saturday. I''m still not sure if I want to do a home test or not. I'll wait until next week and see how I feel.

We're keeping busy and trying not to think too much about IVF right now. But I have to admit that I find myself daydreaming about due dates, maternity leave and baby names.

My two best friends are recently pregnant. It seems like too much good luck for the three of us to be pregnant at the same time. Could it really happen? Could I really be pregnant? It seems too surreal to even consider at this stage.

DH leaves for his deployment in 3 weeks. It seems like a lot is happening in our lives at the moment. Ahhh!!!