Intense

I'm sorry for being away for so long.  It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy is flying by.  I want to slow down and enjoy it.  It's been a really intensely difficult month or two which has been difficult to enjoy.

DH has been away for work for the last 5 weeks.  Throughout this time I feel like i've been thrown some real challenges I've had to deal with on my own. 

Firstly, DD often disobeys me to get my attention, and has developed intense tantrums.  It's been very difficult to manage her especially when I'm out of the house (it's a struggle to carry her kicking and screaming now that I'm quite pregnant).  Sometimes the tantrums last up to one hour.  She also hates it when any other children come over for playdates.  I think she's feeling territorial about the new baby arriving.  I understand that, but it's been tough managing it.  She is also disobedient, and won't eat.  She demands milk all the time and when I say no to her it sets off another intense tantrum. Thankfully these seem to be settling down a bit now, and I think i'm better equipped to manage.  I love DD to bits, but man, toddlers can be DIFFICULT!!!

Secondly, I haven't been well physically.  All is well with the pregnancy (thankfully).  But I'm quite big and uncomfortable now.  I also developed gastro recently and have been up all night for the last few nights.  It's really hard to then get up to a toddler at 5.30am each morning when my stomach is cramping and i'm exhausted!

Thirdly, the dog has become sick and has been up at night whining.  It hasn't helped my lack of sleep!  I got him into the vet's today and he has been given some medication which should help, but he is going to need three more visits to the vets (he's a huge dog who gets very excited and it's difficult to control him on my own!)  Where is DH when I need him!

Finally, I've had problems with the in-laws.  Big problems.  The in-laws are
good people.  They have big hearts.  But they are difficult.  They moved to live close to us, and my father in law is very controlling and dominating.  He was in the Army and is used to bossing people around. To top it off he is now retired and are bored.  They come over ALL THE TIME and also phone and email a lot.  If I don't respond immediately, my father in law just keeps phoning and emailing, and eventually starts to send short, nasty messages until I get back to him.

With DH away and me struggling to manage on my own with pregnancy and toddler, the in-laws have been trying to help.  But they're not helpful.  They are very judgemental of my parenting and home keeping. They do TRY to help, but the things they do are not helpful to me.  I don't know many Moms who want their father in law to phone them 5 times before 9am to ask how the toddler slept the night before!!!  They think it's "help" but I find it "hassle".

I had one particularly bad night last week.  I was caring for a friend's toddler overnight while she was rushed to hospital to have her beautiful baby.  My father in law was phoning while I was trying to get the excited and unsettled kids to bed.  I didn't answer the phone but shortly afterwards DH phoned.  I said "can you please call your Father and tell him I appreciate his help, but I can't keep up the intense amount of communication from him.  I can see that he's been trying to call tonight, but I need a break.  Tell him I'll call him over the weekend."

Well....That started WW3.  Apparently the in-laws told DH they were phoning on that occasion to offer to vacuum the house.  It was very sweet as they never do housework for me, but I had already cleaned the house.  They now feel unappreciated by me.  They say they help me out a lot and that I am very ungrateful.  They also made a few mean comments about my parenting (how I'm not strict enough, lol!)  and how I shouldn't give our toddler too much attention.  They're also now threatening to move overseas because I've upset them so much.  Basically, they've now withdrawn and won't speak to me.

Sigh.

From all of this there are some positives that have come out of it all.

Firstly, I'm managing pretty well despite all the challenges.  Yes it's been really tough physically and emotionally lately.  But I've got an awesome support network of other Moms who have really helped me.  And I've also been able to draw on an inner strength I didn't know I had.

Secondly, it's made me appreciate what I need to survive.  Friends. A good book.  Yoga.  Healthy food.  Supportive family (on my side!)  Oh, and internet shopping!

Anyway - I'm now hitting the 30 week pregnancy mark.  There is still no nursery as I need DH to move out all the heavy furniture and books in there so we can set it up. 

Normally I'd like to be all organised by this point.  But I'm learning to let go.  DH will be home soon and he can do it when he gets around to it.  I'm sure the nursery will be done before the baby comes.  And if not, it will make a good paternity leave project for DH!

And as for the in-laws, I sent them a nice email thanking them for something they gave DD.  I haven't heard back.  But the ball is in their court now.  I'm going to leave it now and enjoy some peace and quiet until DH is back.  Then he can speak with them again. 

I guess all these challenges are part of being a mother and a family! I just hope things settle down in these final weeks of pregnancy so I can enjoy this experience.  Life hasn't been at all enjoyable of late. 

Emotional

We found out we're having another little girl!  I'm so so so amazed by this news.  Two little girls is more than I can comprehend.  I feel so undeserving of this prize. 

My husband was hoping for a boy.  He is a real "guys guy" with two brothers and five nephews.  When we were first married we always imagined ourselves having little boys.  But we all know life doesn't work out as we planned, and now we are blessed with two girls! 

He would like to try for number three, but I feel I am done now.  The best day was throwing out all of the (now out of date) IVF drugs.  It was an amazing feeling of gratitude to be able to move forward in my life now.

I hope my husband will love having two girls (as much as I think I will).  We have two frozen embryos left, and I guess we could give them a try.  But I don't want to have to go through another stimulated IVF cycle ever again.  I've done 7 IVF cycles over the last 4 years and I'm so pleased to be done now.  Besides, if our beautiful first daughter is anything to go by, two girls will keep us more than occupied for the next 18 years!

I'm feeling much more emotional this time around. I think it's this overwhelming sense of gratitude that I'm almost "on the other side" now.  I know IF will always be a part of me, but I feel so close now to being done with infertility treatments. 

When I was pregnant with DD1, I always knew in the back of my mind we would have to go through more IVF to give her a sibling.  Now I don't have that sense of "fight" left in me.  I am just settling into this feeling of gratitude, thankfulness, relief and just plain happiness. 

The best times are when I'm lying near DH and DD, and I can feel the baby kicking.  It feels like we're finally a complete family.  That all my dreams are so close to coming true.  I am so humbled. 

I'm going to return to this blog more regularly to update how I'm feeling.  It's a precious time and I'd love to savour it. 

Did anyone else feel so emotional during pregnancy? 

Thankful

It's hard to believe that here I am....14 weeks pregnant with our second IVF baby due in May. 

It's taken some time for the news to sink in - that I really am pregnant and that there is (apparently) a live, healthy baby inside me right now. 

Today I had an ultrasound in the OB's office.  It's amazing how formed the baby is now..it looks like a tiny, real baby.  Somehow it made it feel more real.  The nervousness about the appointment turned into excitement. 

I feel I'm at a curve in the road right now.  I need to let go of some of the trauma associated with all of the years of fighting infertility, and going through cycle after cycle of IVF treatment.  I want to let go of the fear and apprehension of early pregnancy, and the anxiety that the pregnancy won't last.  I need to move forward in my life now with confidence and joy and extreme extreme thankfulness that I am finally in this position. 

I always wanted to have two children.  I feel that I am so close to fulfilling that life ambition.  It's not that my life would have been any less worthwhile if I had no children or just an only child.  But there is something incredibly special about having your heart's desires finally fulfilled after so many years of hurting. 

I know I'm not there yet.  There are many things that can still go wrong.  But today I felt that we are so close.

I am incredibly thankful and humbled right now. 

IVF cycle outcome

Hi there,

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote.  I've been having trouble logging into Blogger and so it's been a while since I updated. 

We have just finished our fifth IVF cycle.  The cycle started out pretty well - we had 9 mature eggs retrieved (the most ever) and we had 5 good looking embryos on Day 3.  We pushed it out to a Day 5 blast transfer and I went in expecting a few decent embryos based on the good Day 3 report. 

I was shocked the embryologist told us just one of the five embryos made it from day 3 to day 5.  I was so overwhelmed at the thought of having to do another stimulated cycle if this one didn't work, I burst into tears before the embryo transfer.  In fact, I cried my way through the entire procedure even though I was doing everything I could to keep it together. 

The RE reassured me that my distress wouldn't affect the outcome of the cycle...but it wasn't great.  You want to go into a transfer feeling calm and happy, not crying your eyes out with distress.

After the transfer I opted not to lie down alone (I knew I would just cry more), so I went shopping instead.  And I phoned my Mom from the shops and cried some more (in public!) So it wasn't a great day.

The day after the transfer I got a surprise call from the clinic.  Two additional embryos had made it to blast on Day 6.  It was such a relief to have two frozen embryos that I immediately relaxed and felt much better about everything.

A week after the embryo transfer I had no symptoms.  I am the sort of person that can feel if I'm pregnant or not.  I don't need to POAS - in fact, I try to avoid them.  I felt my two last chemcial pregnancies, and it was so disappointing to feel the pregnancy symptoms come and then go three days later. 

So again, I was upset when I had no symptoms a week after transfer.  I called Mom from work (again in tears) telling her that I didn't think it had worked.  It felt like a BFN cycle. 

Strangely that afternoon at work I started to feel nauseas.  It continued throughout the afternoon and I felt so elated.  The symptoms then continued for the remaining two days - reassuring pregnancy symptoms. 

Now, I had no idea whether or not I was pregnant.  But it was nice to have a few days of believing that I could be pregnant.  It was like living in a fantasy land, and I didn't want to have my beta taken. 

I went in the day of the beta to have my test.  I was so nervous waiting for the result.  The nurse called an hour later than she was supposed to - apparently the results were slow coming in.  She sounded normal on the phone - almost a bit flat.  I thought it was a BFN or chemical again.  Then she said "I have some really nice news for you."  The beta came back at 175 which is a day earlier than they normally draw blood due to the weekend.  So she was happy with that number, and so were we. 

Since then I've been in complete and utter shock.  The symptoms have continued and I certainly feel more pregnant now. 

After five IVF cycles it's difficult to get too elated. I know that too many things can go wrong and I can't get too excited just yet.  But a BFP is a great step forward. 

I feel so happy and blessed.  I think we may be having a new member of the family join us in 2013.  How incredible! 

New IVF cycle underway

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. 

When I last posted it was just after our last BFN.  I was a bit of a mess. Upset, tearful, distressed, convinced we were at the end of the road. 

In the month or so since then I've been doing some healing. I gave myself permission to avoid difficult and unhelpful people, and have surrounded myself with great friends and family.  I've been cooking with DH and have just been having fun with the family. 

We've decided to do one more stimulated cycle with our current RE.  I started stims yesterday so the retrieval probably won't be for another 2 weeks. 

I haven't been focussing too much on outcomes this cycle.  I realize that the outcome of an IVF cycle is pretty much outside of my control anyway.  Instead I've been focussing on the process, or the journey.  And trying to make each day as happy and rewarding as it can be.  Whether or not we achieve a BFP isn't really on my radar right now (i'm sure as we progress it will be more and more). 

I also have a backup plan if this doesn't work.  I guess i'm not really expecting a great result based on all our failure to date.  But I'm planning on consulting with a great RE interstate if this last cycle doesn't work.  I'm seeing him in one month (which will be helpful if we don't get a BFP this cycle). 

All in all I'm in a good place. Happy, healthy and trying to enjoy things as much as I can.  I'll keep you updated with how this IVF cycle progresses!

Pain

Right now I'm feeling the pain of infertility so greatly.

I know that the intensity of emotions fluctuates over the course of infertility.  I've been dealing with it now for 7 years, and I'm just about to go into our 7th IVF cycle.  I've had many losses and failures along the way.  They all hurt, and I hurt now.

There have been times throughout the years that I have felt hope and satisfaction.  We have one beautiful daughter from our second cycle and she brings me great joy.

But as I progress further along the path and I accumulate more and more failed cycles, I feel that acute pain once again. 

Sometimes the pain is so real and so sharp that I don't know how I will cope with it. 

It comes on at unexpected times.  It's the realization that I'm the only Mommy from my mother's group that doesn't have another child.  It comes on when I get pregnancy announcement from friends.  It hurts when friends conceive easily and I have been through so much to try to conceive.  It hurts when I have to make excuses - when I just can't face visiting a friend in hospital with a newborn.  I try to do the best I can by my friends, but it's really tough.  It just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward this part of my life.  It seems like the pain of infertility is neverending.  It has been going on for years, and it seems impossible to me that it will ever end.

But I also have so much joy from my family.  So it's a mixed life at the moment - joy mixed with pain.  Happiness miexed with sorrow.  A growing realization that we don't always get want we want from life.  That things don't always turn out the way we plan.  That sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are out of your control and out of your reach. 

We still have one more stimulated IVF cycle.  I need to try to muster some hope for it.  It's so difficult to be hopeful in the midst of so much pain.  It's difficult to be hopeful after so much IVF failure.  Sometimes I don't think I can keep going on the IVF journey much longer.  The thought of giving up is becoming more appealing.  But I will give it one more shot, if I can muster the hope again. 

FET outcome

We had the frozen embryo transfer just over two weeks ago.  I started having pregnancy symptoms about 5 days post transfer.  Unfortunately on the morning of the beta test the symptoms went away again.  I knew it was another chemical pregnancy. 

It was confirmed when my beta came back at 12.  Two days later it was 9. 

I felt pretty devestated after the results.  I spent a lot of time crying and I felt quite distressed.  It seems that we may never have another child. 

I went and saw the psychologist at the clinic to give me some ideas of how to cope.  She was really helpful and validated all of my feelings.  It's been a very difficult 12 months for us, as our dreams and hard work to try to have a baby haven't paid off. 

We decided to take one month off and then do a final stimulated cycle.  The RE has agreed to increase my stims slightly so hopefully we'll make a few more embryos. 

After we have used the next batch of embryos and if we aren't pregnant we will have to think long and hard about how much more IVF we are willing to put ourselves through.  I never thought it would take 5 or more IVF cycles to fall pregnant again, but here we are.  And the reality is that we may never fall pregnant.

The RE remains opimistic which is good and also frustrating.  She urges us to keep going.  She reminds us that the two chemical pregnancies are a good indicator as the embryo is obviously developing beyond the transfer.

To be honest it's been very difficult to remain optimistic.  Hopefully this break will allow us to get our lives back and try to muster some hope again as we get back on the wagon.